30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 5
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
This is a tough one because the last thing in the world I'm feeling right now is thankful for anything.
Discovering (through FACEBOOK no less!) the guy you've been dating is in a relationship with another woman is a tough pill to swallow. I did write him a note on FB telling him that I was very hurt by this turn of events. I even took the high road: I didn't use any foul language. I didn't tell him what a big, fat effin' jerk he was. I didn't even try to guilt trip him by telling him how much I've agonized over the last several weeks wondering what I had done wrong to make him back off so suddenly, taking on the blame and guilt myself and ultimately having to seek out counseling from a psychologist because I've lost control of my life and my emotions... Nope. I kept it short and sweet. "You cut me off because you didn't want to see me and decided not to tell me. It hurt." That's pretty much it.
He wrote me back an explanation and apology. I didn't even want to read it, but my OCD kicks into gear big time on FB and having that little number notification on the side drives me nuts! So, I waited until WAY after to read it. Turns out he met this gal back in July (and started dating me literally within weeks after that) and that he's basically been stringing me along this whole time. He never wanted to be with me. He wanted to be with her. I got used. And it doesn't feel good. At all.
I did make myself go on a walk/jog today to start training for Iron Girl in December. I also thought it would help be a de-stress, antidepressant... not so much today. I discovered it is very difficult to sob uncontrollably while still trying to jog/walk briskly. Also, I didn't have any kleenex with me. And most of my route was going into the wind. Which made breathing difficult. I still somehow managed to pull off about a 16 minute mile and I did 2.32 miles. Not bad considering I haven't done much since my ankle went bunk at the beginning of October.
Anyway, on to the "thankfulness" bullsh*t part of this post... Leah is always telling me that sometimes our emotions follow our actions. In other words, fake it 'til you make it! So, I'm going to FAKE being thankful for this, and hope that eventually I really will be thankful...
I'm thankful for not only myself, but for anyone else who has ever "dodged a bullet" so to speak by having someone reveal their true colors before you got in too deep. He has always been a nice guy and that is what he projects himself to be. I think he does so because he sincerely WANTS to be a nice guy, but his true self is a thoughtless, soulless, stereotypical man-jerk. He said I was nothing but a good friend to him, through all the crap he's been going through lately and that's he's sorry. Cold comfort and hard to believe from someone I can no longer trust. I guess I'm glad I found out now that I can't trust him instead of sometime down the line.
I don't have a photo today. Sorry.