The Grind

So I have been having a rough emotional patch, to say the least. The details will not be revealed, suffice it to say this is the type of crap I used to overeat over and drink over as well. Since I do not actively partake in those addictions anymore I am left with feeling my feelings, and fighting the urge to compulsively eat.
How is this working?? Well its a grind. I am getting to more meetings, letting friends help and feeling my feelings and it really sucks. I always 'used' food/booze to repress, eradicate and eliminate intense emotional feelings, but now that I am 6 months plus off the extra food and decades off booze, I am left here to actually use the steps and tools laid out before me if I choose to use them.
So I am making gratitude lists, doubling up on meetings, talking to people privately, coming clean in a safe way, eating right, went to swim 5 days this week, heck I even quit my job to take better care of my health. I am also journaling, writing haikus, reading about it and talking to mentors who will listen. I am letting go. Its all very tough right now.

Another thing I did was OWN the first 100 pounds I lost a decade ago, see I used to weigh 400 pounds, but that was long ago and I have been losing and gaining THIS 100 pounds over and over again in the last 10 years, so in actuality I have lost over 133 pounds total, so I am owning that now, and I changed my tracker to show the real numbers, I think I was slightly embarrassed to have weighed 400 at one time, but its the truth, so now I am up to date.

Honest, open-minded, willing.

I do know I am willing to do whatever I need to do, whether that is to feel these feelings, or go the distance. I am NOT willing to overeat today to feel better, cause that stopped working for me a long time ago, oh of course there is fleeting joy in a 1 pound box of chocolates but then, my blood sugar flies sky high, my kidneys scream, my blood pressure shoots up and I could be hospitalized before long, today I would rather live than die, so I am willing to remain on my healthy food plan a day at a time. No matter how much it hurts to feel pain.