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30 Days of Thankful 2013 Edition- Day 13, 14, & 15

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Day 13

This one I've been putting off for 3 days to write... not because it's not true, but because I'm afraid it might be someday. As long as I keep working on my goals and myself, I know I'll be okay, but damn if depression isn't some of the darkest sh*t I've ever experienced. This has been particularly crushing. I'm just amazed I'm not clinical.

So, I'm thankful I'm not suicidal. And years ago, when I was a few months away from ending my last relationship- with that abusive jerk- I was. Daily dread and the thoughts of how easy it would be to just do it and not have to live that sort of existence any more. Luckily I pulled myself out of that depression (which didn't feel the same way this depression does, so it probably was situational, not necessarily chemical) and ditched him before I did anything drastic. I reassure myself and the few friends that I've confided in about my current depression that they need not worry because I'm not suicidal. But, the scary [terrifying] thing is, I can see why depressed people attempt or succeed at it. Because, frankly, I wouldn't want to live for very long if this is how I had to feel every. single. day. I'm not there now, though, and I hope I never get to be.

Day 14

Today I'm thankful for my sister-in-law's dog, Aiden (or BooBoo as we call him). When my lil' doggie passed away last year, for the first holiday I was going to be home, I knew it was going to be weird. Our canine companion had been in the family 12 years. And I wasn't there when he passed, so I was going to be coming home to an empty house. But, the BooBoo was there to ease that transition and pain. Having another canine around made it less weird somehow. And the BooBoo would go out in the back and lay down on my doggie's grave and mourn him, too, so it was comforting to know we were all in pain together.

Day 15

Today I'm thankful for Starbucks Peppermint Mochas. They are my favorite of the holiday drinks (even more so than Pumpkin Spice, gasp!) And they taste like coffee got together with a candy cane and went dancing in an ocean of whipped cream. I do get mine with nonfat milk. Too much fatty dairy es no bueno with the ol' digestive system (thanks a lot Salted Caramel Mochas). Anyhow, I've had two this week, which is starting to make it less of a treat and more of a too-much-of-a-fat-thing. Oh well. It's not like they're around all year.
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    After my dog died, it really helped that we had a pup in the house. It didn't make me miss Martha any less, but it did give me a snuggle companion.

    A very, very long time ago, I would indulge in suicidal thoughts. I understand how people get to that point. But I also know that you get to decide. It took me years to figure it out -- I get to decide what I think about. (This is not to say that everyone can decide, but for me, that turned out to be the case. Please don't think I'm offering advice with that statement -- your counselor is far, far more qualified to do that than I will ever be!)

    You have tried an amazing variety of Starbucks drinks. It makes me feel boring. I always just get a skinny vanilla latte because I know love it. Not too adventurous, huh?
    2708 days ago
    Thanks for sharing! I am glad that you are able to share with us here..and I am very glad that you are not suicidal too. I so hope you start to feel better soon. I have struggled at times too (and definitely do some days right now) and it is not a fun way to live. As for Starbucks Peppermint Mochas, they are one of my many favorites! I try to limit myself to just one surgery splurge drink from Starbucks a week, but it can be a challenge because there are so many good ones right now and they won't be here long.
    2712 days ago
    My lovely Jill, you've simply not enjoyed the best of Christmas until you've had an eggnog gingerbread latte. :-D That is of course if you like eggnog. If you do, it will BLOW your mind... if you don't, then you'd probably just retch it back up I suppose. I'm thankful you haven't hit a place in your current bout of depression where suicide starts to seem like a reasonable option. Your life is a treasure, your mind and your soul are uniquely brilliant, sometimes we just need the right mirror held up so that we can see ourselves for how we truly are - and not how we think we are.
    2712 days ago
    I don't trust myself to try them. (smiling) They look so delish that, once started, I'd be hooked.
    2714 days ago
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