Cleansing

I started my cleanse yesterday and although I know it's hard, it's not as hard as all the feelings of being overweight, feeling pudgy and soft.
Trying to find things in the closet to make me look slimmer, instead of BEING slim, is an everyday stress causing issue. This is the thing I struggle with the most…not feeling good about myself.

I KNOW…if I lost the weight (about 20lbs) I would be sooooo happy and feel so amazing. I know because I've done it…many times. So I have to figure out what's holding me back and what's keeping me from keeping it off. Maybe I don't deserve it (which I know I do) or I maybe I feel like it's impossible (which I know it's not) so what is it really? I think it's Me.

I feel like I'm holding myself hostage, because I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to feel that this is the only thing in life that's important. Denial is a great mind freak. Maybe someone will love me more when I'm thin…which I know isn't true, but totally freaks me out. I mean…is that all that I am?

I used to be the sexy thin bitch. The one who lived an almost carefree life. (at least I told myself that for many years) Now at the end of middle age ,I find myself a little lost as I approach my mid 60's. Even though I just turned 61 it feels like life is creeping to a halt. That my body is trying to deny me…maybe it's because I don't know what I'm supposed to look like or feel like in my 60yr old body. I suspect I'm probably better than most, but still hard to grasp.
I don't want to look like a twenty something…but I don't want to look or feel like a old woman either. I have no role models in my life. Being the oldest persona I know (other than my 84yr old unhealthy friend)…. I AM the role model for all those around me. I don't know where to go sometimes. Celebrities don't count. I wish I had an older healthy friend to workout with and buddy around with. I even lost my last boyfriend because he couldn't keep up. He started to lose weight and then it got too hard and tells me although he really likes me he's not ready for a full time relationship. Well we only saw each other once a week so I don't know where that came from, but I suspect he thought he had to get in shape and it wasn't something he was willing to really do. He would tell me all the crap he was eating and I would tell him all the clean foods I was eating (it was all good stuff…GRILLED, flavorful, just not deep fried with sauces and creamy mash he's crazy about). Then he started telling me he was eating salads, only 1/2 his normal food intake. I told him he was looking great. He started losing more weight. I was getting to that happy place….then Bam…he can't hang with it, too hard, not worth the trouble….blah blah blah. So again…I'm left to figure it out on my own. Figure out AM I WORTH IT?

Even if my logical side say's, "Just DO It!" and My physical side is doing it's best at every exercise class, my weak side say's "oh your pathetic and besides, you don't have anyone who really cares about you thick or thin…so what's the point?" 9 times out of 10 I agree with my weak side.

So...It's time for me to brush myself off and listen to my Strong side. It's the one that say's "I am Worth IT" It the side that helps me get through my classes and gets me through my weakness's. It's the side that always say's "you don't need someone to define you" It's the strong side that pushes me past the "it doesn't matter crap". I just don't call on it enough to help me when I need it.

I just don't call on it enough to help make me strong. So starting today and through this cleansing process, I'm going to sit up straight, take note of my changes and moods and be as strong as I know I can be. Food doesn't define me…A man on my arm doesn't define me…I define who I am. Here I go!
And I am strong, healthy and sexy!