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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I started my cleanse yesterday and although I know it's hard, it's not as hard as all the feelings of being overweight, feeling pudgy and soft.
Trying to find things in the closet to make me look slimmer, instead of BEING slim, is an everyday stress causing issue. This is the thing I struggle with the most…not feeling good about myself.

I KNOW…if I lost the weight (about 20lbs) I would be sooooo happy and feel so amazing. I know because I've done it…many times. So I have to figure out what's holding me back and what's keeping me from keeping it off. Maybe I don't deserve it (which I know I do) or I maybe I feel like it's impossible (which I know it's not) so what is it really? I think it's Me.

I feel like I'm holding myself hostage, because I don't want to be a statistic. I don't want to feel that this is the only thing in life that's important. Denial is a great mind freak. Maybe someone will love me more when I'm thin…which I know isn't true, but totally freaks me out. I mean…is that all that I am?

I used to be the sexy thin bitch. The one who lived an almost carefree life. (at least I told myself that for many years) Now at the end of middle age ,I find myself a little lost as I approach my mid 60's. Even though I just turned 61 it feels like life is creeping to a halt. That my body is trying to deny me…maybe it's because I don't know what I'm supposed to look like or feel like in my 60yr old body. I suspect I'm probably better than most, but still hard to grasp.
I don't want to look like a twenty something…but I don't want to look or feel like a old woman either. I have no role models in my life. Being the oldest persona I know (other than my 84yr old unhealthy friend)…. I AM the role model for all those around me. I don't know where to go sometimes. Celebrities don't count. I wish I had an older healthy friend to workout with and buddy around with. I even lost my last boyfriend because he couldn't keep up. He started to lose weight and then it got too hard and tells me although he really likes me he's not ready for a full time relationship. Well we only saw each other once a week so I don't know where that came from, but I suspect he thought he had to get in shape and it wasn't something he was willing to really do. He would tell me all the crap he was eating and I would tell him all the clean foods I was eating (it was all good stuff…GRILLED, flavorful, just not deep fried with sauces and creamy mash he's crazy about). Then he started telling me he was eating salads, only 1/2 his normal food intake. I told him he was looking great. He started losing more weight. I was getting to that happy place….then Bam…he can't hang with it, too hard, not worth the trouble….blah blah blah. So again…I'm left to figure it out on my own. Figure out AM I WORTH IT?

Even if my logical side say's, "Just DO It!" and My physical side is doing it's best at every exercise class, my weak side say's "oh your pathetic and besides, you don't have anyone who really cares about you thick or thin…so what's the point?" 9 times out of 10 I agree with my weak side.

So...It's time for me to brush myself off and listen to my Strong side. It's the one that say's "I am Worth IT" It the side that helps me get through my classes and gets me through my weakness's. It's the side that always say's "you don't need someone to define you" It's the strong side that pushes me past the "it doesn't matter crap". I just don't call on it enough to help me when I need it.

I just don't call on it enough to help make me strong. So starting today and through this cleansing process, I'm going to sit up straight, take note of my changes and moods and be as strong as I know I can be. Food doesn't define me…A man on my arm doesn't define me…I define who I am. Here I go!
And I am strong, healthy and sexy!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thank you everyone for all your support and kind comments. I am really going to beat this thing out of my head and stay on the road to a better me. Heather I will check out that book. I don't actually know why I went off plan after Mark left. It was a last minute trip for him so I know I didn't do it for his coming out to visit. I think I just let it all go because we were having so much fun. when he left I felt a little depressed because I realized how much I needed that fun and companionship.

    Now like you have all said in one way or another…dig deeper inside ourselves to find our way to health and those feelings of a happier self we so much want. In the end we all know only we can put the smile on ourselves, everything else is an added bonus. Today I start with a smile and even if it's a little fake it will become a true smile until I can laugh like the me of yesterday.

    We are all worth it…so lets get up and go. emoticon
    2696 days ago
    Jan I love your honesty and the fact that you are willing to look in the mirror and really see what is before you. I can empathize about not having a friend your age to workout with - but hey - remember this girlie - you cannot measure yourself against ANYONE else - you already know the celebs are fake. I have a DH that chooses to be unconscious of his nutritional needs it used to drive me crazy - now I just do my own thing with food and for the most part eat alone. I could say WTF he doesn't care why should I - but I am me and I do care! We are human, we stumble and we fall, but let's focus on the fact that we get back up again! I wish you success with your cleanse - and I wish you desire to be all you can be - what made it work before your buddy came to visit and everything went to hell on a handbasket? Was it the desire to look good for your friend? Well - how about being a good enough friend to yourself, one that loves you more than any human could - so that you want to look good for yourself? I love you girl - time to love yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember sweets are treats but we aren't dogs - we shouldn't ever "reward" ourselves with something that doesn't help us be the best we can be. Make time to get this book - "The dark side of the light chasers" it may help you heal. I'm reading it now. (((HUGS)))
    2697 days ago
    I am just like you Jan, I lost all this weight and was feeling good, only had 22 lbs to get to my goal, then over night it seems like I was afraid went off plan, stop exercising as I was hurting all over again. We have to dig deeper inside our selves to figure what stopping us from reaching our goals. If we put our minds into it, we can do this. How ever long it will take us. Don't give up, hang in there and try to stay strong as you are worth it, we all are. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2698 days ago
    Jan, I really do feel your pain and have all the same questions about why can't I keep the weight off that I have lost so many times. Why do I keep starting all over again. I believe one day we will be able to find our answers. In the meantime, you go girl. You are so worth the effort. Remember we have a reward waiting. A girl trip to celebrate our losses. Let's keep our eyes on the prize. Together!
    2698 days ago
    hang in there
    2698 days ago
    You go girl!! :) Just continue to make conscious, intelligent decisions and things will fall into place, I'm sure of it!
    2698 days ago
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