The WIN I Carry With Me
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
This was my "New Year" blog last year:
I need to start the year strong...so I kept things simple so I can succeed!
1. NO soda!
2. Walk 5 miles per week
That was how I planned to make my dreams come true and achieve success in the new year. I wanted to succeed- and I kept that in my head for a good part of the year!
Over the course of the year, I wrote 43 blogs exploring my frustrations, my motivations and my plans- all with a focus on changing myself so I could succeed.
I even tasted success for a long enough time to know it is possible and to remember that it feels so good to work hard and get rewarded. I lost 25 pounds through dedication to diet and exercise- and then I slowly let go.
That part of the year just plain sucks! I am mad at myself that I lost track of what I wanted so badly. But, I still had a year of growth that I believe I needed to have.
Halfway through the year, my theme became "this is my year of not being a doormat!" I had things happen with friends and family that really made me look hard at my relationships. I have always tried to keep peace and get along, no matter the cost. The cost was usually my self esteem!
Reaching some success and believing in myself were the keys to helping me realize that I am worth a lot, and I needed to clear the negativity from my life and stand up for myself. I have worked hard on that and have let go of a few of those toxic friendships. It isn't easy to do at my age, when making friends is harder. WIth family, I faced the pressures to give in when I didn't like how things were going, and I stood firm and made it clear that I expected to be treated better than I had been. Things there are not perfect, but I am no longer the doormat that I was.
I also saw that my priorities weren't square with my heart. I have a child getting ready to go off to college next year, a little one in Kindergarten and a 15 year old and a daughter who just turned 10. They are all so different and require such different things from me. Two of them have a harder time in school and with life, and helping them was at times completely overwhelming. I needed to learn balance and being free of guilt. It is OK to really enjoy all of your children- I always felt guilty enjoying and having fun with the two who seemed to have such an easier time, but I realized it was OK to do. I also learned to leave the guilt behind as I tried to create a little bit of a special place with my daughter. I don't want to feel like I am playing favorites, because I am not. But it occurred to me that she is being raised in a house with 4 males and me and her- I needed to pull her aside once in a while to just be girly- or to talk about things she couldn't share with all the boys around. And, to my joy- they understood that need and never make me feel guilty when me and my B take some time together. It doesn't happen often enough, and I hope we can do more. My heart wanted to enjoy my family, but I was always so focused on the serious "to-do" list of parenting and keeping up with everyone around me. Well, I pulled back and took my name off that score board and am trying to do what feels right to me and to us as a family and not worry that we are getting passed by or forgotten by the "go-getter club" in my community.
I have taken more charge over my health. I got caught up on all my mammograms and exams, I faced some of the health issues I have been avoiding, and as my husband tells me, my mid life tune up is well under way and on plan to be complete by my 50th birthday in 2 years! Something can always happen or go wrong with my health, but I am not hiding from it like a child and I am realizing that I have a direct impact on this health and I want to focus on treating my body with more respect and care.
So when I look back, I realize how wise I was not to set big lofty goals. All I wanted was success. It did not come in the form of weight loss as I had so passionately wanted....but it came in how I handled my life. My brief weight loss success was the key to clearing the fog- it made me believe again that my spirit and will were not as broken as I had thought. I was emerging from the shadows and I loved how that felt! I am so mad at myself that like the plate spinner at the circus, I just was not able to keep all of my plates spinning at once, and while I tended to different parts of life, my weight loss plate shattered on the floor and I didn't even try to get a new one spinning again. I can't redo the year, so I have to learn from this and form it into a lesson for the new year!
My theme and goals for this year will center on BALANCE.
I see myself walking on a tightrope...but a wide enough one where I don't really teeter and I can skip! I just need to stay balanced in the middle and avoid the extremes and I can keep going forward! No crazy ups followed by devastating lows- just a content me, in the middle, with all of my palates spinning- in smaller jeans!
~I am facing the fork in my road where my days as a stay at home mom are coming to an end, and I haven't spent too much time deciding what is next. Whatever comes next needs to stay in balance with my love of raising my family and being an active volunteer in my community.
~I need to learn balance in my diet. I will always want cake- that is just a fact. I need to learn how to make that fit in with a healthy diet- not to be the thing that brings it all crashing down.
~I need to find balance in my relationships with my 4 kids and my husband- I believe God made my heart big enough for all of them and I just need to get better at giving more quality to each of those relationships.
~I also need balance in handling all the relationships in my life. No one person- not my Mom or one of my kids- can consume me for days at a time. I can't fix everything, and I will seek balance in understanding and accepting that- some things will either stay "broken" or be fixed in different ways- not by me trying to make everything right for everyone.
Next year, I plan to be thinner and healthier. But I also plan to be centered and to have really added quality to my life. I will continue to weed out the things that bring me down and to look for new opportunities for me to keep growing. I still have the bitter taste of weight loss failure in my mouth, but I must be thankful that for a time during the year, I really learned to believe in myself!
My success came when I felt strong and was able to see through the fog and looked at my life with renewed hope and energy.
I am ending 2013 with that as my win- and I will carry that victory with me as I start 2014!!!
I hope that your dreams and hopes, big and small, will inspire you to make the most of this next year! Happy New Year!