So 2013 has not been a great year for me, in fact it has been an absolute nightmare of a year.
In January I moved in with my boyfriend. I started to feel low in around April, and it gradually got worse. I found a new job thinking that the change was what I needed and that work was what was depressing me so much. I took a temporary contract at a better company hoping that the risk would pay off and that I wouldn't be so stressed and angry all the time.
The depression got worse despite work stress being minimal and my boyfriend and I split, I moved back in with my parents. We reconciled a few weeks later, agreed to give it another go and I moved back in. The depression carried on getting gradually worse and worse for no apparent reason and we grew further apart. It got harder to get up for work. Then I didn't want to come home from work because I didn't want to sit in silence with my boyfriend not knowing what to say and me seething because it seemed like he didn't care how unhappy I was, like if he ignored it it would go away. I started drinking more, self harming again, withdrawing completely. Things came to a head at the start of September and we broke up permanently.
I moved in with my parents again, but then had to travel 4 hours each way to work. Every time I thought I was at rock bottom it got worse, and the depression carried on getting worse. I lost my job eventually, for being inconsistent and late a few times when trains were late but to be honest, once or twice I was late because I'd gotten up and ready for work in time to leave on time (by 5am), but then sat crying for an hour and not been able to calm down. Losing my job was, in a way, a relief.
I started to have hallucinations; my new GP wouldn't prescribe the medication my old GP had put me on because they hadn't gotten my notes through yet, so I had the side effects from stopping them suddenly as well. I was sectioned by the police and then I found out what rock bottom really was. I'm in a fair bit of debt, I'm lonely, I'm still very depressed, most days I can't find a reason to get out of bed, and my weight has gone steadily up rather than down this year.
BUT- this time round okay it was a proper breakdown like I've never had before- I've never lost my job because of my bipolar disorder, and breaking up with my ex absolutely broke my heart, he was my first love and I think I will always love him, but with this "depressive episode" I am actually complying with treatment- I haven't been hospitalised this time other than the small issue of being sectioned by the police.. I'm trying really hard to talk to the mental health professionals, and I am giving their suggestions a chance.
The combination of medications (escitalopram, valproic acid and quetiapine) seem to be helping, though I have gone from crying for nothing to feeling nothing, but the hallucinations have stopped. So things are slightly more positive than they have been in recent months.
2014 has to be a better year. 2014 is the year I get my life under control and I am going to do it for me, because even though I don't believe it right now, I do deserve it. Healthier, happier, lighter!
I'm going to do this using baby steps, so my goals for January are:
- Track my food/drink every day
- Get out of bed and washed/dressed, and take the dogs for a walk every day
- No alcohol, at all, not one drop in January
- Drink 8 glasses of water instead of the coffee I constantly drink now
- Bed by 11pm and up at 8am every day- try to get a better sleep pattern going (even if I don't fall asleep for hours eventually my body should get used to sleeping at a certain time, I hope)