There are so many reasons that I am at the weight I am. My weight has fluctuated over the years. I have always been "heavy" in the legs, but I was pretty healthy and fit after my first two kids were born. (120-130 lbs) Not thin, not fat.
My then youngest son had some health issues, so life seemed to get manageable once he was in preschool and I had some free time to myself- a few hours a few mornings a week. I loved my free time and exercised a lot, and I had just gotten very fit and thin...and quickly got pregnant with my daughter
It was really between her birth ten years ago and now that I have struggled. We moved, and although only 3 miles away, I left a very comfortable community where I knew everyone and was now trying to fit into a new area where everyone already had their friends (so Junior high, I know!) Then, my mom had a car accident that I spent years helping her recover from- which didn't help me in the making friends area of my life. My parents went from being independent to much more dependent and in failing health. I love that I can be with them and help them, but it has consumed much of the past ten years. I was blessed with baby #4 at 41 years old, and that has been the biggest blessing and the biggest challenge all wrapped into one. As baby #4 was being cute and giggly, baby #1 started struggling in school, we found a significant learning disability, and that led him to suffer from mild depression. Getting to understanding all that was a journey that took a few years and had more than a few potholes in the road. I feel that depression has been a huge issue for me, too, as I see him dealing with his and I understand depression more.
I am where I am because life became a whirlwind and was busy and hectic...and now, as things slow down and the kids grow up a little bit and I have more free time than I have had in years, I have the time to honestly look at the damage I have done. I have not cared enough, really and truly care enough, to say good bye to bad habits for good. I give in to emotional eating because it is easy, feels good for a sec, and is often easier than saying NO to myself. I have always felt pretty good about my insides and so although my weight bothered me, I didn't have it in me to do the work required to change it.
Losing weight is not hard. It just isn't. It is hard work, for sure, but given time and dedication, it can be done. No matter how slow you go, weight can be lost! There are many things in life you can't do no matter how hard your try. But, I have not let myself make and KEEP the progress I have strived for. It is the BELIEVING part that I struggle with. I need to believe that I am stronger than my challenges and I need to stand up and face them rather than crumbling into a jar of peanut butter and hiding. I know why I am here and I really feel like knowing it and realizing that I have let these past years get the best of me makes me mad. I could have had more balance and joy, even when times were tough. I just do not want to go forward with regret for another day. I want to live with purpose and intention and a strong belief that I am capable of living the life I am meant to live!