The Ghost Of Janilou's Future
Friday, January 17, 2014
My last blog entry on August 15th talked about my new-found motivation to get back to the gym. I continued and was doing great until October 7th, when at 5pm, a driver came through a stop-sign and t-boned the vehicle I was driving for work. The SUV I was driving spun around and then began flipping down the road, landing on the driver's side four times before flipping end-over-end and rolling into a ditch. Of the five people in the vehicle, only myself and the person sitting behind me suffered serious injury. My head and shoulder hit the pavement four times through the broken out window, as the car flipped, and a bowling ball in the vehicle came up and hit the other side of my head. The front of my head hit the steering wheel, because for some reason the air bags did not deploy. I have been left with a scar on my shoulder and head, concussion, post-concussion syndrome, whiplash, damamged tear ducts that make my eyes water uncontrollably at times, stained eyelids from the heavy bruising that occured, terrible short-term memory loss, severe constant neck and lower skull pain, and an inability to turn my head in either direction more than a few inches.
That's the bad news. I was heading towards the 170's when the accident occurred and I'm sad to say that since the accident (blame the drugs, my comfort eating and inability to exercise) I am now 214 pounds.
It's been driving me crazy, watching my weight creep back toward that weight I carried over five years ago when I joined Spark People but nothing seemed to help me rein in my frustation, my response to the constant pain of reaching for food.
Until last night. Last night, I found myself having one of those really weird dreams. My mother was with me (she went to heaven in 2004) and I stood there with her, and watched myself walk away with my family. I was wearing sweats and a red jacket, and I weighed easily 280 plus pounds. I stared at myself and felt so shocked and sad. My heart ached for the me who lumbered away, so heavy she couldn't even walk right. My mother whispered to me, "That's your future, if you don't take control. You can do it. Remember how you did it before? Do you remember how wonderful it felt to be in control?" I agreed, saying, "That's NOT who I am. I don't want to be that person." I heard her assurance that I didn't have to be, that it was my choice. Then I woke up.
So, here I am. Back on Spark People. Counting my calories. Drinking my water. Blogging. It's four steps forward. I will never forget that dream. I will not become that future. I'm making the change, starting today.