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~No and Yes, a battle~

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Monday, January 20, 2014

No...is a powerful word. Defined as negative response, we use this word to affirm our disapproval, opposed response to requests and offers, but overall this word is working of our will. Throughout my childhood, I heard "no" thousands upon thousands of times.

"No, don't touch that!"
"No, you will not use that attitude with me."
"No, you may not spend the night with your friends."
"No, your curfew will not be extended."

But mostly...."no, you can't EAT that," and usually followed up with, "you're big enough already." This last one is indeed sad, I know, but I'm not a victim of this negativity any more.

Now for many purposes, "no" is necessary to protect us from harm, destruction, and terrible consequences. There involves a teachable moment as to why the parent says no and what they mean. Without thorough explanation, a child's curiosity heightens. The child, or in this case, I, began questioning these "no's." As I look over those years I was subjected to "no," I realized I had a rebelling thought and feeling running through me. "No" was a challenge to my will. "No" was controlling and restricting me. I wanted a choice between yes and no!
I began a war with NO.

My life became YES. You would think a life of "yes'" would lead to a positive realm without restraint. It eventually led me into understanding this abhorred "no."
In regards to food, I felt deprived. In my mind, I thought, "NO one will tell me what to eat and not to eat for rest of my life," or "no one knows me, I know myself, and what's good for ME." I rebelled against NO and stormed down a path of terrible judgment, lack of restraint, and over excess. Though I allowed myself whatever I wanted, "no" haunted me. All this resided in me as I struggled with image, relationships, and overall my eating and weight. I failed miserably at any type of discipline or routine. I had created a monster a "yes" monster.

A hurricane of realization emerged upon me and truth was revealed. I realized I was fueled by pain and misunderstanding of "no" from my childhood. My family was wrong by not teaching me proper discipline and the reason for consequences. I was wrong by letting that pain drive me like the chaff in the wind. I used to go on radical diets where I consumed no carbs, no fried food, no soda with the only reason, "it's not good for me." My mind echoed, "you're big enough, no you can't have that." I'd fail within a few days with more weight than when I started.

Looking back to past, living today, and expecting the future, I understand "no" only works for me when I know why. In the up's and down's of losing weight, no is necessary as long "yes" is included.
Today I constantly practice saying,
"no, greasy hamburgers aren't good for you, but yes, we can have a portioned lean meat burger on a whole wheat bun,"
"no, you can't have the whole chocolate bar, but yes, some dark chocolate espresso beans, let's have a few with tea."
"yes you can enjoy a fatty fast food lunch, but no, you won't feel as good as you would eating cleaner foods."
Many nights it's sounds like this..."no, you can't have anything to eat because you'll over eat, yes, i'll have a small greek yogurt and ask my husband for support as I"m tempted to over eat."

Follow your "no's" up with a "yes," provide a reason and remember the consequences of both. Are the consequences positive or negative? Are they leading you down a road of destruction or success.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Nice Blog.
    1834 days ago
    Thanks so much for sharing this!
    It makes perfect sense to me . THANK YOU!
    2095 days ago
    Thanks for sharing such powerful yet simple wisdom!

    2162 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7670124
    Awesome blog and with so much truth. We all have battles to war and finding out what's behind what we do is a major win. Good for you, keep it up!
    2174 days ago
    Fantastic blog! Thank you for sharing! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2175 days ago
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject
    Have fought this NO/YES battle myself many times
    Have tried hard to remain positive with my thoughts
    One day at a time
    Love prayers peace
    God Bless

    2192 days ago
    amazing blog thanks for sharing
    2193 days ago
    Thanks for sharing! emoticon emoticon
    2199 days ago
    emoticon emoticon You are so right that the battle is always in the mind first and also that it is important to have thoughtful reasons to proceed with a "no" or a "yes" for our choices. My mind war is a bit different than yours, but the way in which you have shared the principles of being mindful about how words and actions from the past affect our decisions now, is very helpful for me. Thanks! Blessings, Nellie
    2204 days ago
    Great blog! Thanks for the reminder because I can deal with my demons but I should be very careful when I say yes or no to my children. emoticon emoticon
    2208 days ago
  • ANJI36
    I too have suffered with restraint on my eating habits. It's hard for me to say "no". I feel I deserve to have what I want and I always seem to want the wrong thing.

    Now, I see the wisdom in saying to the "little tyrant" within that its alright to do without some things. If I am kind to her and try to understand her unhappiness with my decisions, she will calm down and accept my offer of something more in line with my goals.

    I haven't gotten this attitude adjustment to the point I would like it to be yet, but I'm working on it.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2208 days ago
  • no profile photo LOVEXAVIE
    This was great. Thank you!
    2209 days ago
    Thank you for sharing.

    2209 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. From reading the comments, your blog has resonated with more than a few Spark people. It is in this sharing that we can really help each other.
    Take care on your continued journey.
    2209 days ago
    Our impressionable child-minds hang on to those messages from our growing up years, don't they. When we're really little, we need messages in black and white as we can't process those shades of grey. But depending on how they're delivered, we seem to retain them forever. The message that "you're big enough already" is pretty cruel, isn't it? So we need to say "yes" to our positives, drown out those negatives. "yes" is our decision to make.
    2209 days ago
  • GOAL_IS_170
    Thanks I NEEDED to read this today..
    2210 days ago
  • no profile photo MARYQ7
    As you said, "No" is very powerful, and it also needs to be balanced with love. "No" can keep us from being injured and from other negative things, but it can also become a way of life, linked with fear, shame and a lack of self esteem. This should be a reminder to parents, spouses, siblings, friends and anyone else who thinks that they're "helping" someone by putting them down, even in a round-about way - they're NOT. Just let whoever is going thru a problem know you love them and will be there to support them in any way, including walking with them, having contests with rewards, etc. You'll get a lot farther than with criticism.
    2210 days ago
    Brilliant! I think the reason that so many people fail on structured "diets" is that they are TOO restrictive! There has to be room for compromise, or a "yes", every so often! Thanks for sharing!! emoticon emoticon
    2211 days ago
    2211 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. I also encountered the "No's" as a child. As an adult I too rebelled and lived a life of no restraint and suffered the consequences because of it. Thank you for showing the wisdom in understanding the reason behind the "No's" and using our choice to decide what is best for us.
    2211 days ago
  • no profile photo ISTHISTHINGON
    Thank you for sharing. Keep working on overcoming the negative association and you'll be so much happier with yourself and the results of all your hard work and perseverance!
    2211 days ago
    Well said!
    2211 days ago

    Thank you for sharing!
    2211 days ago
    It really is hard to learn to make good choices without feeling deprived. You are doing a lot of productive thinking & getting your head to the right place. Good for you! I am working on that, too. emoticon
    2211 days ago
    emoticon There must be a reason to
    2211 days ago
  • SUSIEB1163
    The idea of "following a 'no' with a 'yes'' resonated with me. Thank you for sharing this insight.
    2211 days ago
  • HETZ51
    Being positive is just the start!! You are on the way.
    2211 days ago
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    2211 days ago
  • no profile photo DYNAMIC8
    emoticon Well Done! I really enjoyed this blog. Thank- you for sharing.
    2211 days ago
    This is the reason that I put all of my goals in the positive: i.e. I will block self-sabotage, I will keep to my diet in the house, I will see myself differently, I will keep favorite foods in the house, I will indulge safely. I didn't want to see food as the enemy. As I've gone through this (my first) week, I am opening up to new foods I hadn't thought of eating before, such as oatmeal (I haven't had a taste for it as an adult) and granola. I am amazed that with a positive attitude, I am looking at foods positively and not negatively. Hopefully, this will help me when my husband returns and buys things that I would not normally eat but which I binge on when they're here: chips, crackers and cookies.

    As far as saying no to myself, I have always said no to joy, but I am changing! emoticon

    2211 days ago
    I myself have felt the same way and still do at times....allowing my self to get angry & resentful, about and towards those who want to police me in my eating habits, rebelling against what really? Their authority over me? Not really I will and did as I pleased in the area of what I eat. I rebel at their attempt to control me and their hurtful selfish comments that follow their "No's"...hurtful words that give me insight in to how they judge me, and truly think of me. And the most painful part is that these are people are close to me...people who don't even take a close look at their own eating habits or measure themselves by the standards the are measuring and judging me by.
    I to have had to and still at times recognize my sin in my rebellious response to them and confess my wrong... so I can begin anew with a clean heart and a free mind.
    2212 days ago
  • no profile photo BRUNHILDA3
    What an incredible and insightful post...and I can tell you really KNOW and BELIEVE it! I am in my 60's and still struggling with "emotional" eating replacing it slowly with "mindful" eating. Struggles are lost and won on a daily basis as I learn to "feel" and "deal" and not try to make food the answer for every emotion~~~because I know it isn't, it makes things worse! When and how that happened is not as important as finally knowing it is true. The longer it has gone on, the harder it seems to be. I love the idea of yes, following the no!..and so many thoughts on your thoughtful post! Books I am reading : A Course in Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson and Eating the Moment by Pavel G Somov. I am on a "live it, not a die-t". Thank you for posting!
    2212 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    2212 days ago
    2212 days ago
    I am glad you decided to share on this topic. I often have that battle in my head. I am not always the winner. I am going to try your great attitude toward saying yes, in the interest of my health and it goes along with staying on my food plan.

    I never really trusted those things parents said without qualifiers. Even when they did have qualifiers, it sometimes didn't make sense. This feeling has carried with me a long way through many years.

    Today I will put my past on the shelf and go forward with the motivations of Spark fellows. Thank you for sharing with us. A year from now I will be glad I started today.
    2212 days ago
    2212 days ago
    Cause and Effect -- good to remember both parts
    2212 days ago
  • no profile photo DINGHY2
    Wow! Your article really hit home with me. Thanks for the new insight to a 59-year-old problem. Great article!!
    2212 days ago
    Awesome post !!!!!! not just for the yes and nos of dieting but of our inner dialogue about yes and nos in general. Loved it Thanks
    2212 days ago
    2212 days ago
    Well said!!��
    2212 days ago
    Thank you for sharing this blog post.
    2212 days ago
  • MAWMAW101
    Thanks for sharing..... emoticon
    2212 days ago
    This is a wonderful blog and thought process. Knowing why behaviors are good and bad is how my mind works as well. i can not just accept things at face value. emoticon
    2212 days ago
    emoticon You're a wonderful writer!
    2212 days ago
    Good job!! Keep up the good work!! I am proud of you we all need to find that place where we gain control over our eating habits!! You can do it!!!!
    2212 days ago
    2212 days ago
    I'll have to try adding a "yes" as a follow-up to "no's" I too grew up under the heavy thumb of many many controlling NO's! 61 years later, and I'm still intimidated by them! Thanks for sharing your insight.
    2212 days ago
  • ROSEHIP:-)
    emoticon emoticon
    2212 days ago
    Very insightful and so true!
    2212 days ago
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