Hello, Reality. Remember me?
Friday, February 28, 2014
I feel like a fraud.
Last week, my SparkPage was voted as Motivational. That should be awesome, right? Like even an honor. So many people—known and unknown to me—cheering me on, congratulating me on my accomplishments, telling me how my story of losing 100 pounds inspires them in some way.
I really don’t take that lightly. It truly makes me very glad that in some small manner, I might have touched someone else’s life in a positive way.
That’s why I have to out myself. I would feel like a complete and utter fraud if I didn’t. I’ve had an inner struggle this past week trying to decide to just let the façade remain, or to peel away the layers and be vulnerable & sincere. I’ve been absent from SparkPeople altogether, and from…I guess…reality altogether in terms of facing my weight gain. But, I’ve opted for the honest approach. Denial has only led me to regret.
So, here goes. I lost 100 pounds. Woohoo!! Now, let’s move onto the fine print. I have GAINED 80 POUNDS BACK!!! It really is difficult to say, difficult to admit--to anyone reading this, and especially to myself.
I have a before/after picture on my SparkPage from Easter a few years ago, showing what a difference a year makes. Well, I’m clearly far more like the before picture than the after right now. That makes me feel pretty crappy, yet it also serves as a reminder that I’m capable.
Failure isn’t final.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t really know why I let that line get so blurred. Why I let complacency set in. Why I didn’t dig deeper, sooner. Why and how did I become indifferent and just allow my bad habits not only to creep back in, but to overcome me?
I wish I had the answers. But I do have a plan. I will keep asking myself the hard questions. I will approach these 80 pounds just like I did the 100 pounds. Focus on losing 10 pounds at a time, celebrating small wins, big wins, and acknowledging poor choices sooner.
I’m not perfect by any means. And now that I’ve come clean, I no longer feel like a fraud. Instead, I feel determined.
I think that’s a pretty good start.