Monday, March 17, 2014
It's been a week for me. Like a woah was that real?... kind of week
Business trip Thursday through the weee morning hours of Saturday. Made some pretty heinous choices about food. Missed Weds, Thurs, Friday,Saturday workouts. MEH Feeling squishy...
Saturday showed promise to be a decent turning point, until the husband was done being kind for 2 minutes and reared his usual and ugly abusive head. The 10 hours of drive time to Jersey and back gave way to lots of alone thinking time. And the thoughts ended all the same way. I'm better than I get treated, I deserve to not be beaten down emotionally. I don't deserve to be screamed at and belittled over every thing that bothers him, and I owe it to myself to say so. So on Saturday when he came in from the garage yelling and cussing me out for "possibly" throwing out a piece of paper he left "somewhere" (neither of us were able to locate it) I told him he's not allowed to talk to me like that anymore. (Good lord this is hard to write down, I've not said it to anyone.... ever) We had a long ...... LONG talk about it. I told him he is "abusive" and I can not and will not tolerate it. I've always said this marriage is not a disposable one. I wouldn't leave him. I stand by that. I'm not just going to walk out on 10 years of my life, I'm not going to tear apart my child's world. I know it's not about the grass being greener anywhere else. But I'm not going to hurt all the time any longer. And if it means that I have to start fighting back, then that's what happens.
He apologized, he knew he was being mean and hurtful to me. And together we promised to work on it. So that's good. I thought I'd cried out about 3 pounds of tears! So we got passed that and ended up some friends (who are planning their wedding and we are part of their wedding party) stopped in and we hung out in the den and threw darts and drank entirely way too much Jamesons. It was a good ending to an otherwise pretty crumby day.
Sunday Sammy went with her grandparents for an afternoon of bugging Grandma, (one of her favorite pastimes) and we got out of the house for an impromptu day-date. Lunch, some shopping and just kind of reconnecting. Still made horrible food choices, so I'm feeling it today. But I feel like there is a light over the horizon.
Now to see how the next weeks/months go. I'm hopeful it's not all just talk to "fix" the day. :)