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Feeling Like A Bit of A Failure

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Wednesday night I jogged further than I've ever jogged before - 2.2 miles. I was thrilled with my progress.

Thursday night, I did it again. I felt like I was walking on clouds afterwards (my legs were a bit wobbly after all emoticon but not as wobbly as they were after I completed my Wednesday night run). I was beginning to feel like I was finally getting a handle on this fitness business.

Friday it was just a light walk, as I didn't want to tire myself out too much before switching from my 'weekend' sleep schedule to my workweek schedule - I work third shift, so twice a week I flip my sleep schedule on its head. It can be a bit tiring, hehe.

But! I was really looking forward to my run this morning. I figured, I may be tired, but in the last two weeks I haven't once failed to run at least an entire mile. And I was feeling pretty energetic, even when 6am rolled around. I figured once I clocked out, got home and got changed, I'd hit the pavement and be well on my way before the sun was up.

(This is pretty important to me. The reason I run only late at night or very early in the morning ((while wearing all black with nothing the slightest bit reflective or attention-grabbing)) is that I have horrific anxiety when it comes to running in public. The more visible I am, and the more people who are around to see me, the worse it gets.)

So, I finish up my business and head to the charting room where the time clock is - along with the office of my superior. And lo! here she is, in the wee hours of Saturday morn, here to fire one dude, and give reviews to two others. One of the two others was me. (It was a glowing review, and came with a 49 cent raise, in case you were wondering.) Long story short, by the time we were finished, it was broad daylight.

Okay, I thought to myself. I've got to get a handle on this fear of public running someday. I might as well start today. So I got changed, took off my glasses (they usually start fogging up around the 1 mile mark, so I end up doing most the rest of the jog and following walk without them), grabbed my mp3 player and headed out to prove to the world that I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Needless to say, it did not go as well as I'd hoped.

I made it maybe 0.75ish miles. Traffic wasn't exactly heavy, but constant. All the cars, and the occasional biker or pedestrian were setting off my stupid running anxiety like crazy. I couldn't seem to get a handle on my breathing, and the more cars and people I saw, the more erratic it became. I slowed to a walk for a bit, let my breathing return to normal, and then tried to resume jogging.

The second time around, I lasted about a minute. emoticon

Feeling utterly defeated, I settled down to walk the rest of the route. But then I remembered that shortly up ahead was an old logging trail - I've seen people preparing for runs there, but usually only late in the morning or early in the afternoon.

Feeling a little more optimistic, I picked up my pace, and was thrilled when I arrived to see no cars parked nearby - no hint that anyone was around. Maybe I'd get a proper run after all!

I'd never been down it before - it's absolutely gorgeous. It leads through a long, meandering redwood grove. Lovely scenery, no one around, just me, the path, and the music that drowns out the sound of my breathing (which is another thing that makes me horribly self-conscious).

I made it MAYBE half a mile before violently face-planting. There was a rocky little pothole, you see, which would have been quite noticeable, except that my glasses were back at home on my desk.

Yes, in case you were wondering, contact lenses are on my shopping list. (This month my budget is too tight, but next month I'm going to enroll in VSP vision insurance. My coverage would start in May, but I've got an extra student loan payment that month, so it may be June before I can afford the copay for some contacts.)

So, feeling rather humiliated, knees both scraped, right hand scraped, left hand bruised.

At least no one was around to see it.

I think I'm going back tomorrow morning, though. I'll walk directly to the path, *with my glasses on this time,* so at least I should be able to get a mile or so of jogging in. It seemed a bit warmer going down the trail though, so maybe it'll take longer for them to fog up.

Assuming the knees aren't hurting too bad from this morning's unfortunate impact.

And WOW, look at all that rambling. I can be terribly whiny at times - it's probably a good thing not many will see this, lol.

On the bright side, though, I did manage to resist temptation at work. The previous shift had ordered themselves pizza for dinner, and left four slices for my coworker and I.

I touched nary a one.

This is like the third time in the last seven days they've done this, and I've resisted every time.

I seriously never thought I'd see the day when I could say 'no' to pizza.

So, there was that, at least.
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    Definitely not a failure, you conquered your fear and said no to pizza. It doesn't get much better than that!
    2441 days ago
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