Monday, April 14, 2014
I'm not sure what to write, but I want to blog, so let's see what comes.
My motivation and energy around Sparking has been lower for the past week than when I started being on the website again. I haven't found a good way to be on SP when I'm not feeling motivated or successful. I'm not sure how to do that.
There are a lot of other places taking my energy these days, neither good nor bad, just present for me. I am still reading Daring Greatly (slowly) and loving it. I am thinking a lot about shame and bravery in my life--I am thinking about it every day, and am glad my energy is moving in that direction.
It is also a few weeks (3) shy of the 1st anniversary of my Dad's death. Not surprisingly, it is taking a lot out of me. I am trying each day not to judge it--I am trying to greet the grief, joy, fatigue, variable moods, and lower motivation without judgement. It pains me how much I have judged my grief in the past year. So I want to meet it where it is, take the time and energy it requires, and know that this is my reality today. It may not be tomorrow, but meeting it with silence and gratitude seems right on to me. But it takes a lot of energy.
I also find out this week if I am going to get surgery on my knee (torn meniscus and loose cartilage bodies in the joint space). My doc is altering my thyroid medicine, and I feel a bit sick. Oh, and a beetle crawled into my ear the other night while I was sleeping and set up camp. It's actually a good story I'll tell sometime. :)
Today, in the cold and sleet (it was 70 yesterday!!!), I made a trellis for my clematis, and covered the berry bushes for the frost. I arranged flowers I got out of a dumpster, and I sang my heart out to Melissa Etheridge. These are the ways I care for myself. It is so easy to get into the mindset that everything (meaning me) sucks if I am not tracking. But I want to lose that all or nothing thinking. And that is why I can't figure out SP right now very easily. But I am going to keep blogging, keep reading your blogs, and keep on keeping on.