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Still here; Still Struggling

Friday, June 27, 2014

I have just lost control of my life, my routines, my decisions, my everything. Everything is spinning out of control, and I am letting it.

I went back and re-read some of my old blogs, and I see that this has been happening since the beginning of this year, and nothing has changed. In fact, if anything, it has gotten worse.

You know I try to justify; I try to figure it out, but it's still there, and when I read other people's blogs and see their struggles too; it just reminds me that it's always going to be.
What matters, is how I deal with it, and how I handle it......and right now that part is struggling the most.

I've come off of a year that I've worked so hard to overcome, with my shoulder surgery, rehab, and recovery, and have done so well, that I just don't know what happened since.

I'm bored with my everything, I guess! I'm bored with my routines, I'm bored with my life, I'm bored with me, I'm bored and letting other things run and take over my life, to the point that it's gotten totally out of control!

I've been at this since 2007, and have honestly had a great deal of success. I've come off of 177 pounds, and have relatively been in the 150's ever since. My goal has been 135, and I haven't touched it. I got close, last year, at 142, and really thought I had done it. For the most part, I stayed under 150, and was very proud of myself for that. Maybe I got cocky, complacent, but something definitely changed and I found myself looking at 162, in a year's time. That's 20 pounds in a year! There's something wrong with that picture!

Suddenly, I found myself not caring what I ate, partook in more happy hours, and wanted to go out to eat; things I really haven't done (on a full time basis) since 2007.

My husband, always says, you do this, you do that, talking about my extreme exercise, and it doesn't do you any good, and I guess I started buying into that. Before, I didn't really give a rat's ass what he said, and I worked hard, and my body showed it. Now I feel like it looks like it did at 177. I feel fat; I feel ugly, and I feel like a failure. Did I say I weigh 157 today?

I went to the Dr this week for my physical. I weighed 157; last year I weighed 147. So that's 10 pounds, not 20. Knowing that, that should make me feel better, that is really is reachable, and controllable, and not out of control. 10 pounds sounds so much better than 20.

But it's still up, and it's still not 135!

I still have a husband whose going to notice every single ounce that I gain, comment on it. I know that is a fact. Despite his gain, and his non-exercising body. Yes, my belly is sticking out, and that's where all my weight gain is, it's noticeable, and my clothes are getting tight.

I had finally gone out and bought smaller clothes, and that really made a difference in how I looked. I was still wearing my larger, baggies clothes, but they actually made me look bigger, and frumpier, and looked good when I bought size 8's and 10's. You could really see that I had lost. Now they are tight, and they look it.

But what do I do? I'm still eating crap (that I haven't let myself do in years), I'm eating everything, and I'm letting other things take precedence over my exercise. that's it in a nutshell!

By why?

I talked to my doctor about it. She said my good cholesterol was amazing (100+), my thyroid was good, and she didn't see any medical reason behind it. She asked me 3 times how old I am; and I turned 55 in April. I told her the same things that I've been saying here, and that I basically feel "put-upon" by everybody and everything. I'm just not a very "happy camper", but it ain't going away. She suggested hormonal/menopausal issues, and offered to give me something, but suggest that I see a counselor, that it would probably help me find my triggers.

I think I really know what they are. I think I lay them out here all the time, and it's just how I deal with them that makes the difference.

So I am going to study my behavior, get back to tracking my food and exercise, pay attention to what's bothering me,blogging, and if I can't do it on my own, then I will consider seeing a therapist.

This is a first step in this direction. And right now, I am off to run on the elliptical machine, which should be good for me, as a stress reliever in addition to calorie burner.

Taking control today!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Donna I am very sorry for your current state of mind and situation. I pray you find a remedy. You have so many pluses such as your beauty, your creativity, stamina and great loyalty. I miss my old BSF and truly hope you can find her and get back into the groove.

    Love you!

    BSF, Anna emoticon emoticon
    2309 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11703205
    You sound so much like me!! ALL OF IT!! But I've gained 31 pounds!
    Here's a thought .... run away. Just you. for a weekend or for however long as you can. and just sit and be. During that time just eat what you want, do what you want and don't think about it. Just think about you and be. ... kind of like a flower. ... just sit and be. I do that often and am amazed at how much better I feel about everything. And how answer just come to me. The getting away will help just sit and be and not be judged for your actions.
    I hope that yo do find the answer that you're looking for and that you get back to where you want to be.
    2316 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11519434
    2317 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11519434
    2317 days ago
    I hope you have a great day! Seems like you are on the right track and very committed. Sometimes others make things difficult. We just have to learn to not let it bother us.

    Best wishes!
    2317 days ago
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