trying to figure out how to go it alone
Sunday, August 03, 2014
Grandma passed away on July 15th around 9:30 PM. I don't know how else or a better way to describe what she was to me - she was much more than just my Grandma, she was the one thing in my life that was always there - never changing, a constant, my one true home in a life that was filled with one upheaval after another. She was my home of record for when I joined the Marines, and for so many other milestones throughout my life.
Grandma didn't judge people, that was God's job -not ours, she lived her life the best way she knew how, and I really wish I could have said so much more to her the last time we spoke other than choking out an "I love you" while we were both trying to hold back the tears. I had so much more to learn from her, I can't even begin to express it or put it into words - there are none to adequately describe it or do it justice. I remember having lunch with her and my great aunt when I was in college and the three of us would argue over the bill when the waitress dropped it off - and how mad they would both get when I would excuse myself to go to the bathroom and sneak off with the bill to the register instead. Living with her those few years when I was in college before enlisting was where I can feel the most comfortable - it was my home too. There wasn't a room in that house I didn't feel comfortable going in and exploring, except for the attic -neither one of us ever wanted to go up there because of the bats.
My heart is in pieces and I'm doing my best to hide how much it hurts me to know that she's gone from my son, he really doesn't like it when I cry. I've tried to hide the tears, and now that a few weeks have gone by, everybody thinks I should be fine with her death - she was 96 and had a good long life and got to die at home with some of her family around her like she would have wanted to - except for my uncle - she never did get to say good bye to her only son and the majority of the family hates him for it. It's not how my grandmother would want it, and I caught plenty of grief from my mother for trying to save things that were my uncles while we were going through the house after the funeral. I grabbed all the letters he wrote to my grandmother while he was in boot camp and Vietnam, some books and any pictures I could manage to squeeze into my car.
I love her and miss her every day, and can't even think of what I wouldn't give up to be able to call and talk to her again like we used to - to hear her voice when she was getting frustrated with my son's behavior, how mad she would get with the current state of our nation and what a poor president we have that is dismantling so much of what her generation worked so hard and sacrificed blood for. We were supposed to go see How To Train a Dragon 2 when we were there back in June, but she was too tired to go to the drive in, and all of the other local movie theaters have closed - she would have enjoyed watching it with us - I took Wes to see it a second time yesterday because he loved it so much.
Add to all of this that I find myself in a position where I am forced to say goodbye to the one friend I have left here - the others have moved and this one is very special to me. We have been a great deal more than just friends over the past several years, he is someone that knows what is on my mind without having to finish my sentence, and one of the very rare few that has made me feel that I could not only trust him, but feel safe with him. Earlier this year he had asked me to wait for him, that he wanted to do things the right way - he was done with his fiancée and how she treated him-no respect, take advantage of him, etc. etc. etc. We were starting to see each other but he needed more time so I gave it to him and then both of our worlds went spinning out of control and by the time I knew what was happening - he was going back to her. He's asked that I not count him out yet, but he's allowing her to move back in a week later. I'm done - I'm broken hearted in more ways than one, and I cannot allow myself to hang what is probably best described as false hopes on someone that keeps coming back to me after years apart only for him to choose someone else again. I guess in a way it is my own fault for never telling him that I loved him - but it's done now -all that is left is to say goodbye.
It absolutely hurts like hell, but I have to figure out how to go it alone from here on out now. Losing my grandma and my only other confidant in less than a month really sucks, but there are some things we just don't have a choice about in this life. Time to try and make peace with it as best I can and find a new path to navigate on my own.