Reflecting

This last week (including last weekend) has been a little tough. I guess I'm already feeling the school stress hit because I haven't really been sleeping that well. All last weekend I got only a few hours of sleep each night. By the time Tuesday hit for my anatomy/physiology exam, I was a walking zombie. And it really, REALLY reflected on the grade I got. Even things that I know, things I don’t even have to think about, I answered incorrectly- or left blank- on the test. My poor brain was just too tired to bring the answer to the surface. So, call that test a big, fat F. I did better on my chemistry exam on Friday, but I still didn’t do that great. I’ll be lucky if I got a C. Chemistry is going to be difficult because I just don’t think in numbers. I don’t think in significant figures or scientific notation. That appears to be a huge bulk of it.

Anyhow, I’ve had some other news come up recently, not really related to me, that kinda rocked my lil’ world all of a sudden. My cousin is getting married. Thing is, I didn’t really know she was in a relationship officially. This is the cousin who leads the women’s bible study and is helping me get my own ministry started. The one I speak to on a near-daily basis! And I just had no idea. I was totally blindsided by the news. Of course, I’m super happy for her and I’m excited to have her fiancé join our family. I do know him and he is totally awesome! I am genuinely stoked about their union. It was just a surprise that I needed time to absorb.

But, like any good world-rocking shock to the system, it’s prompted some thoughts… about myself… not many of them good. And, yes, I know better than to compare my journey to others. I’m trying not to. Perhaps it’s been my lack of sleep, stress from school, stress from my home life, and a whole multitude of other crap, but I ended up turning the magnifying glass at myself. See, this event means I’m the last in my family unattached. There are only two of us grandkids (out of 10) that are married. My cousin will make the 3rd, but the rest are in long-term relationships. I’m the 3rd oldest. All of my closest friends have either gotten married, are currently engaged, or had children. My best friend from UCSD and I are literally the last ones.

I’m 31 years-old, single, no prospects on the horizon, and still going to school. It’s really starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. I just really wish I knew what it was so I could fix it. What makes the opposite sex find me so unattractive? And I don’t necessarily mean physically. What character flaw do I have that needs to be worked on? Am I doomed to never find someone, settle down, have children? Am I going to be a crazy cat lady spinster? What is it about me that made that last guy not want to be with me? Or the one(s) before him?

I’ve never had a problem being single before. In fact, I was always very happily unattached. It has only been within the last few years or so that it started to get to be bothersome. I want companionship, a partner. I want children someday and I don’t want to be an older mom (too late!). I feel like I’m missing that part of my life. It feels empty and lonely. It makes me feel defective in some way. It makes me feel very sad. And like a total loser.

So, needless to say, this week has been a struggle, mostly emotionally. I’m putting on my happy face just to get through the day, but really I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. And also be lazy. I’d really like a day to just stay in my jammy-jams, watch Netflix for 18 hours, and gorge myself on popcorn. Even my day trip to the beach last weekend was exhausting. I am so exhausted from being so busy with school and my normal, daily life. And, ya know, from not sleeping. September is packed full of activity, though. I’ll be attending a bridal shower, a women’s conference, and a wedding, all in 3 weekends in a row. Ah, well… there’s always October. Hahaha!

I didn’t mean to be such a bummer, but I had to get some of that out of my head and onto “paper”. I’ll make it up to you with some photos:

Torrey Pines beach. Beautiful.

I tried to rest and relax on the beach. Didn't really work out.

Kyle didn't want me to do my homework.

Oh, Louis! Such a weirdo!