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Reflecting

Sunday, September 07, 2014

This last week (including last weekend) has been a little tough. I guess I'm already feeling the school stress hit because I haven't really been sleeping that well. All last weekend I got only a few hours of sleep each night. By the time Tuesday hit for my anatomy/physiology exam, I was a walking zombie. And it really, REALLY reflected on the grade I got. Even things that I know, things I don’t even have to think about, I answered incorrectly- or left blank- on the test. My poor brain was just too tired to bring the answer to the surface. So, call that test a big, fat F. I did better on my chemistry exam on Friday, but I still didn’t do that great. I’ll be lucky if I got a C. Chemistry is going to be difficult because I just don’t think in numbers. I don’t think in significant figures or scientific notation. That appears to be a huge bulk of it.

Anyhow, I’ve had some other news come up recently, not really related to me, that kinda rocked my lil’ world all of a sudden. My cousin is getting married. Thing is, I didn’t really know she was in a relationship officially. This is the cousin who leads the women’s bible study and is helping me get my own ministry started. The one I speak to on a near-daily basis! And I just had no idea. I was totally blindsided by the news. Of course, I’m super happy for her and I’m excited to have her fiancé join our family. I do know him and he is totally awesome! I am genuinely stoked about their union. It was just a surprise that I needed time to absorb.

But, like any good world-rocking shock to the system, it’s prompted some thoughts… about myself… not many of them good. And, yes, I know better than to compare my journey to others. I’m trying not to. Perhaps it’s been my lack of sleep, stress from school, stress from my home life, and a whole multitude of other crap, but I ended up turning the magnifying glass at myself. See, this event means I’m the last in my family unattached. There are only two of us grandkids (out of 10) that are married. My cousin will make the 3rd, but the rest are in long-term relationships. I’m the 3rd oldest. All of my closest friends have either gotten married, are currently engaged, or had children. My best friend from UCSD and I are literally the last ones.

I’m 31 years-old, single, no prospects on the horizon, and still going to school. It’s really starting to feel like there is something wrong with me. I just really wish I knew what it was so I could fix it. What makes the opposite sex find me so unattractive? And I don’t necessarily mean physically. What character flaw do I have that needs to be worked on? Am I doomed to never find someone, settle down, have children? Am I going to be a crazy cat lady spinster? What is it about me that made that last guy not want to be with me? Or the one(s) before him?

I’ve never had a problem being single before. In fact, I was always very happily unattached. It has only been within the last few years or so that it started to get to be bothersome. I want companionship, a partner. I want children someday and I don’t want to be an older mom (too late!). I feel like I’m missing that part of my life. It feels empty and lonely. It makes me feel defective in some way. It makes me feel very sad. And like a total loser.

So, needless to say, this week has been a struggle, mostly emotionally. I’m putting on my happy face just to get through the day, but really I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. And also be lazy. I’d really like a day to just stay in my jammy-jams, watch Netflix for 18 hours, and gorge myself on popcorn. Even my day trip to the beach last weekend was exhausting. I am so exhausted from being so busy with school and my normal, daily life. And, ya know, from not sleeping. September is packed full of activity, though. I’ll be attending a bridal shower, a women’s conference, and a wedding, all in 3 weekends in a row. Ah, well… there’s always October. Hahaha!

I didn’t mean to be such a bummer, but I had to get some of that out of my head and onto “paper”. I’ll make it up to you with some photos:

Torrey Pines beach. Beautiful.

I tried to rest and relax on the beach. Didn't really work out.

Kyle didn't want me to do my homework.

Oh, Louis! Such a weirdo!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MIMULUSBUG
    All I have to say is CONFIDENCE is sexy and happiness is desired by everyone. IMHO both draw people like flies to honey.
    emoticon

    WAIT I have more to say, he,he,he....

    I'm also thinking that beneath your self deprecating humor you are actually a very confident, sexy, happy, funny woman who is just questioning things and reviewing her personal goals & to-do list at regular/normal intervals -which is normal.

    FLIRTN': Here's another thought. To have "friends" you need to be "friendly". My thought here, is you might want to increase smiling and saying hello to more new people (this will increase network of folks thinking about you, inviting you to events, parties, cookouts, were you get to meet more good folk). And as a heterosexual I think you might want to increase/improve your flirting skills w/the opposite sex. It does a fellow good to be smiled at by a pretty lady ;-)

    OTHER:
    -Please start getting more sleep and focusing on doing your best at school; if you don't you'll be ok in life, but you will have short changed yourself and your mind. And your mind is a terrible thing to waste.
    -Kill your television - it is just the tool of the "devil", "heroin of the mind" and the biggest waste of time/life in this age -unless of course you are doing it w/family & friends (game day, movie nite).
    emoticon




    2404 days ago
  • BEFIT_WITHGUSTO
    Big huge gigantic hugs being sent your way!!
    2413 days ago
  • DSHONEYC
    I could echo Smilingtree but I won't, kiddo. She said it all. But I will say one thing - What's wrong with you? Nothing, would be everyone's (including our Lord & Savior Jesus) answer.

    If you ask yourself that same question and answer it honestly, you'd be right in saying everything. Think about it. Whatever you don't like/love about yourself you project out to the rest of the world. People who know and care about you deflect it...but others can't do this cause they don't know you.

    All your feelings are legitimate and real. We all struggle with them. Loving yourself is a tough act...practice it. emoticon

    PS glad you are able to share these things.
    2413 days ago
  • SMILINGTREE
    Nice photos, normal feelings (I think -- I'm not really in a position to say. I had kids and got married YOUNG. I was younger than either of my children are right now when they were born...that's not the path I recommend, even though it worked out for me in the end.)

    Anyway, I have a friend who is 36, divorced, and thinking along the same lines you are (kind of...she is more convinced that if she could just lose weight the dating world would magically belch up perfect men.) So, she was pondering going to this dive bar in this dive town to "put herself out there." I kept pointing out that the people who hang out in the dive bar one town over are not particularly different from the people who hang out in the local dive bar, and would she really want to date any of those people?

    My advice, for the very little it was worth, was to figure out the kind of stuff her "dream" guy would like, then go to the places he would go. I jokingly said if I were ever single again, I'd have to hang out in libraries...

    It seems to me that you already do that -- by going to events like ComicCon, and to church, and even school.

    But the larger issue is that "putting yourself out there" takes time and energy, both of which are at a premium in your life at the moment. Take care of yourself, Jill. Nothing good will come of walking around like a zombie.

    Remember that there are a whole lot of people who care about you. Try to get a little more rest than usual throughout your week so you can enjoy all those September events!
    2414 days ago
  • SLIMMERJESSE
    Cute cat. Okay, some things to think about. Women of all ages discuss that CA is very hard to meet men - for many reasons. Also, if you have been happily unattached, you're probably a free-spirited, independent type woman. Which means you need a guy who is strong enough to treat his partner accordingly.

    Also, when you're busy, it's tough to find time to date or make friends. I find that many men these days are addicted to porn or expect friends with benefits.

    I understand your feelings. There's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't met the right person yet.
    2414 days ago
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