Since we last visited the mind of Jillybean, some things have shifted a little. I think my cousin’s upcoming nuptials have been processed and accepted. I’m excited for Frank to be a part of my family. He really is a cool guy. I may be a single crazy cat lady spinster for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be an educated one. I’m still not finding much comfort in that. I’m still feeling lonely and sad about being lonely. But, I’m too distracted by school and church and other activities to really dwell on it. I don’t really feel like that’s a good thing, but it is what it is. At least for now.
It was a bit of a rocky weekend. My mom got into a minor car accident on Thursday. She was stopped at an intersection at a red light and some distracted kid rear-ended her, pushing our car into the car in front of her. So, the car that was already embarrassing and a pain to drive is in even worse shape. And still drivable because that car JUST WON’T F***ING DIE! I hate that car. The trunk no longer latches thanks to it being smashed inward, so it’s loosely bungee corded. It bounces up and down constantly since big cars are really jiggly on crappy roads. I can’t wash it since the passenger window doesn’t roll up and now the trunk doesn’t latch. We have two huge mesquite trees in the front that cover the driveway where the car gets parked. It’s like a bird haven up in those branches and they leave their gross marks literally all over the car. It’s pretty humiliating to be behind the wheel now. I do get stares- I’ve seen people stare at the massive pile of crap car as I drive by. I’m not imagining it. I’ve never felt so poor, so humiliated, so white trash in all my life. It just picks at my soul little by little. I also feel like there is nothing I can do about it. People always tell me to be grateful I even have something to drive, but seriously, it’s easy for them to say because they don’t have to drive it. There’s no a/c in it and I live in a DESERT. Its 100*F outside with 38% humidity. The only reason it’s that low is because we have possibility of rain forecast today, so some clouds are blocking out the sun periodically! Normally its 104-108 this time of year. Oh, and the humidity is supposed to be way, way up later. But, yeah, at least it’s a set of wheels. Eff that. I’m all out of gratitude when it comes to that car.
"Hate" doesn't seem like a strong enough word for the animosity I have toward this car.
Saturday night I ended up in the ER with yet another UTI. It had been a while since I’d last had one. I was done and all in about 2 hours. But, my stubborn old lady mom never got checked out after the accident and was experiencing some back, hip, shoulder, and ankle pain by then. So, I made her check in and get looked at. That took almost 7 hours. We didn’t get home until after midnight (WAY WAY passed my bedtime!) and by the 5th or 6th hour of waiting, my mom and I were about to kill each other. She wouldn’t stop b!tching about having to wait and I wouldn’t stop telling her to stop b!tching. I mean, HELLO! I could have gone home 4 ½ hours ago. Turns out she’s fine. Just some contusions and strains. No broken anything.
Of course, I live in a small area and totally forgot how many people I knew in this part of the ER. You know, people that have to be up in your business ‘cuz it’s their job. The first person I encountered was actually in triage that day. My ex-boyfriend! Luckily, I’m still friends with him, but there was NO WAY I was going to step on the scale for him to record that in my chart. I told the other guy my weight verbally when he was distracted. But, it didn’t really feel awesome to tell him I was there for a UTI. My ex is a sweetheart, though, and would come in to check on me periodically throughout my stay. Later, this other guy, whom I’ve had a crush on for FOREVER was on the swing shift. My mom had told me a little earlier that I smelled like garlic (I had Italian food earlier in the day) so this gorgeous specimen of a man gives me a hug and asks me if I’m alright, and all I can think is, “Hot Guy knows I smell like garlic.” *sad trombone* He was working with the isolation cases that day, though, so he swung by to check on me also when he could. I felt well cared for.
Anyhow, earlier that day I went to a bridal shower for a friend from church. She’s actually marrying an old friend of mine from high school. We had a blast!!! There were games to play, food to eat, people to joke with, and tequila to sample. I have yet to lose the toilet paper wedding dress game. This is my 3rd win!!! WOO! It was a very nice time. I can’t wait for the actual wedding (in two weeks!) But, then, the pictures of that day came out. And, as my friend SMILINGTREE said in one of her recent blogs, cameras don’t lie. Now, I knew I had gained some weight. I’m not stupid. My clothes are getting tighter. My energy level sucks. Even my brain isn’t functioning optimally. And that stupid ovarian cyst constantly hurts. So, I was preparing myself to confront the damage at some soon-ish point and face the music. Holey rusted metal, Batman! I didn’t really think it would be so… visible. Noticeable. Obvious. I look absolutely HUGE. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in these photos. I’m still too shocked by them to feel sad or angry yet. Maybe that will come later. All I can say is… DAMN. It’s time to get back on the horse. It’s time to ford the river. It’s time to hunt squirrel. It’s time to not die of dysentery.
And to just add salt to that wound, I finally faced it and stepped on the scale. Since I’d last weighed in sometime in the middle of May, I’ve gained 9lbs. And every. Single. Pound. Shows. I’m less than 20lbs from my highest ever weight. And that is totally not okay. That stops now.
Every. Single. Pound. Not cool.
Happily, that savings goal I had been working toward was finally achieved. Little by little (and I do mean little- $1 here, $3 there) I saved up $110 for the Fitbit Flex that I’ve been wanting. It took literally almost a year! I’d save less than $10 each month, so it took quite a while! But, I’ve made it and now I can get my Flex! YAY! I’m hoping that it’ll add to my motivation to get back on track with my health. Plus, it coincidentally (or not so…?) coincides with the beginning of my health ministry. I need to lead by example, so that’s another set of motivation. More than anything, though, I don’t want to be heavy and I want to be healthy. It’s time to work on that.
Soon, my sweet. Soon.
Let's end this blog on a positive.
Yummy food! Whipped out the bamboo steamer for BBQ pork buns. Grilled baby bok choy basted in a sweet marinade. Pea shoot and enoki mushroom salad in an improvised vinaigrette. Ridiculously delicious and healthy (mostly).
Kyle thinks he's helping me study. He's really not.
Boredom today. Total boredom.