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Hm.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Since we last visited the mind of Jillybean, some things have shifted a little. I think my cousin’s upcoming nuptials have been processed and accepted. I’m excited for Frank to be a part of my family. He really is a cool guy. I may be a single crazy cat lady spinster for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be an educated one. I’m still not finding much comfort in that. I’m still feeling lonely and sad about being lonely. But, I’m too distracted by school and church and other activities to really dwell on it. I don’t really feel like that’s a good thing, but it is what it is. At least for now.

It was a bit of a rocky weekend. My mom got into a minor car accident on Thursday. She was stopped at an intersection at a red light and some distracted kid rear-ended her, pushing our car into the car in front of her. So, the car that was already embarrassing and a pain to drive is in even worse shape. And still drivable because that car JUST WON’T F***ING DIE! I hate that car. The trunk no longer latches thanks to it being smashed inward, so it’s loosely bungee corded. It bounces up and down constantly since big cars are really jiggly on crappy roads. I can’t wash it since the passenger window doesn’t roll up and now the trunk doesn’t latch. We have two huge mesquite trees in the front that cover the driveway where the car gets parked. It’s like a bird haven up in those branches and they leave their gross marks literally all over the car. It’s pretty humiliating to be behind the wheel now. I do get stares- I’ve seen people stare at the massive pile of crap car as I drive by. I’m not imagining it. I’ve never felt so poor, so humiliated, so white trash in all my life. It just picks at my soul little by little. I also feel like there is nothing I can do about it. People always tell me to be grateful I even have something to drive, but seriously, it’s easy for them to say because they don’t have to drive it. There’s no a/c in it and I live in a DESERT. Its 100*F outside with 38% humidity. The only reason it’s that low is because we have possibility of rain forecast today, so some clouds are blocking out the sun periodically! Normally its 104-108 this time of year. Oh, and the humidity is supposed to be way, way up later. But, yeah, at least it’s a set of wheels. Eff that. I’m all out of gratitude when it comes to that car.


"Hate" doesn't seem like a strong enough word for the animosity I have toward this car.

Saturday night I ended up in the ER with yet another UTI. It had been a while since I’d last had one. I was done and all in about 2 hours. But, my stubborn old lady mom never got checked out after the accident and was experiencing some back, hip, shoulder, and ankle pain by then. So, I made her check in and get looked at. That took almost 7 hours. We didn’t get home until after midnight (WAY WAY passed my bedtime!) and by the 5th or 6th hour of waiting, my mom and I were about to kill each other. She wouldn’t stop b!tching about having to wait and I wouldn’t stop telling her to stop b!tching. I mean, HELLO! I could have gone home 4 ½ hours ago. Turns out she’s fine. Just some contusions and strains. No broken anything.

Of course, I live in a small area and totally forgot how many people I knew in this part of the ER. You know, people that have to be up in your business ‘cuz it’s their job. The first person I encountered was actually in triage that day. My ex-boyfriend! Luckily, I’m still friends with him, but there was NO WAY I was going to step on the scale for him to record that in my chart. I told the other guy my weight verbally when he was distracted. But, it didn’t really feel awesome to tell him I was there for a UTI. My ex is a sweetheart, though, and would come in to check on me periodically throughout my stay. Later, this other guy, whom I’ve had a crush on for FOREVER was on the swing shift. My mom had told me a little earlier that I smelled like garlic (I had Italian food earlier in the day) so this gorgeous specimen of a man gives me a hug and asks me if I’m alright, and all I can think is, “Hot Guy knows I smell like garlic.” *sad trombone* He was working with the isolation cases that day, though, so he swung by to check on me also when he could. I felt well cared for.

Anyhow, earlier that day I went to a bridal shower for a friend from church. She’s actually marrying an old friend of mine from high school. We had a blast!!! There were games to play, food to eat, people to joke with, and tequila to sample. I have yet to lose the toilet paper wedding dress game. This is my 3rd win!!! WOO! It was a very nice time. I can’t wait for the actual wedding (in two weeks!) But, then, the pictures of that day came out. And, as my friend SMILINGTREE said in one of her recent blogs, cameras don’t lie. Now, I knew I had gained some weight. I’m not stupid. My clothes are getting tighter. My energy level sucks. Even my brain isn’t functioning optimally. And that stupid ovarian cyst constantly hurts. So, I was preparing myself to confront the damage at some soon-ish point and face the music. Holey rusted metal, Batman! I didn’t really think it would be so… visible. Noticeable. Obvious. I look absolutely HUGE. I couldn’t stand to look at myself in these photos. I’m still too shocked by them to feel sad or angry yet. Maybe that will come later. All I can say is… DAMN. It’s time to get back on the horse. It’s time to ford the river. It’s time to hunt squirrel. It’s time to not die of dysentery.

And to just add salt to that wound, I finally faced it and stepped on the scale. Since I’d last weighed in sometime in the middle of May, I’ve gained 9lbs. And every. Single. Pound. Shows. I’m less than 20lbs from my highest ever weight. And that is totally not okay. That stops now.


Every. Single. Pound. Not cool.

Happily, that savings goal I had been working toward was finally achieved. Little by little (and I do mean little- $1 here, $3 there) I saved up $110 for the Fitbit Flex that I’ve been wanting. It took literally almost a year! I’d save less than $10 each month, so it took quite a while! But, I’ve made it and now I can get my Flex! YAY! I’m hoping that it’ll add to my motivation to get back on track with my health. Plus, it coincidentally (or not so…?) coincides with the beginning of my health ministry. I need to lead by example, so that’s another set of motivation. More than anything, though, I don’t want to be heavy and I want to be healthy. It’s time to work on that.


Soon, my sweet. Soon.

Let's end this blog on a positive.

Yummy food! Whipped out the bamboo steamer for BBQ pork buns. Grilled baby bok choy basted in a sweet marinade. Pea shoot and enoki mushroom salad in an improvised vinaigrette. Ridiculously delicious and healthy (mostly).


Kyle thinks he's helping me study. He's really not.


Boredom today. Total boredom.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JSPIN74
    Gah love you...you may feel kinda bored...but you're certainly NOT boring my dear....you're FULL of muchness & that' isn't code for fat or 9lbs heavier ;) LOL

    I totally relate on that car this...Ihad BOTH a buick & olds like that...would not die for ish when all I was wishing was that they would. In hindsight I guess I'm glad they ran (I was broke...perhaps even more broke then I am now). LOL Although I live in NJ & have season mildness compared to you...so there is that...

    RE marrying/partnering etc...it'll come for you when you meet someone who is worthy & can keep up...still I know it can be lonely & randomly alarming at times...

    Siiiigh that is all I can address for now because you are just too much (& that's a good thing).
    2407 days ago
  • MIMULUSBUG
    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Is all i've got to say....

    If I kick your bootie, maybe you could kick mine.
    -Just saying.
    emoticon
    2409 days ago
  • LUST4LIFE15
    Have to agree with DShoney on alot of this....the car accident sucks, I've been stubborn about getting checked out also like your mom~glad she is okay. Not knowing what is worse, a banged up car or cruising around in one that has a recall no idea how to fix the problem ride :( My honey has always had those kind of cars, door only opens from the inside, windshield wiper works on one side and not the drivers...that one finally croaked, now it's just no driver's side window....and I mean none....it shattered into the door frame when replacement clip on the rolling mechanism broke :P and Winter is coming...... lol At least the food looked and sounds fantastic!
    2410 days ago
  • RADOOGA
    Fantastic blog. Glad both you and your mum are ok. I can't imagine what that kind of heat and humidity feels like, we have had to put the central heating on here it has got so chilly. And even in the height of summer, it rarely gets hotter than 30 c (not sure in farenheit)

    What will you do when the car does actually die? Do you live in the kind of town where you can walk everywhere? I live in a tiny town, and could survive if I needed to without my car (my car is embarrassing, but more because I keep loading it with stuff to take to the tip and then forget to drop it off...)

    Would love to add you as a friend if that's ok. x
    2410 days ago
  • SMILINGTREE
    I've been following someone on FB who is pretty interesting. Her blog/business is called Project 150. She was an OB/GYN and a triathlete. She quit her practice to become a health coach, and has been doing a 21 day challenge thing on Facebook.

    Sometimes her tone is annoying because she gets a little strident and implies that people are fat because they are lazy. That bothers me because it often has to do with socioeconomic factors as much as it has to do with personal motivation and drive. I seriously doubt she has any idea what grinding poverty does to someone.

    But, a few days ago, she wrote about how when she was a resident and working 80 hours a week she still made time to work out. I cannot imagine working 80 hours a week -- my brain doesn't function well enough for that -- so I found that bit of information motivating.

    Just remember: there is time. Even if you have to study, go to church, and do ten thousand other things, you will feel better and have more energy if you take 15 minutes to exercise too.

    Photo note: Even though I detest the pictures of me from our trip (and pretty much all of them from the last 5 years or so) I'm not deleting them. After my mom died, I was SO grateful we had photos of her, and the "bad" ones, the ones of our day-to-day lives were the most special ones. If something terrible were to happen, I would want my loved ones to have those pictures of me, no matter how bad it feels to look at them right now. I am just going to do everything in my power to make sure that someday those are "before" pictures.

    Keep chugging along JillyBean. Things are going to be okay.
    2410 days ago
  • DSHONEYC
    Wow...sometimes you just "take the cake", kiddo, with your blog.

    No comment on the car...it will die sometime and then you will be whining about not having a car. It's not as hideous as you think (I have seen and driven worse) *hit...I said I wouldn't comment. emoticon

    ER adventures, with cute and nice guys all around...sounds like a good night to me (if you don't consider the pain and your Mother).

    Get back with the program and NEVER take a sabbattical from the emoticon for 5 months again. Promise! You are right, it wasn't a pretty picture - but it doesn't help that you were wearing the baggiest clothing in the closet.

    I am glad you are ready to face the emoticon . What can I do to help?

    Here's a tip...the FitBit flex is under $100 on Amazon.com (free shipping, too). I got mine 4 weeks ago and I love it (sorta). A cute (albeit older) guy at church asked me "how's your mileage?" and after I slapped him I noticed his orange fitbit flex. (just kidding I didn't hit him...thinking we could take long walks on the beach together.)

    So keep your chin up, a smile on your face and start emoticon

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2410 days ago
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