A Year Gone
Friday, November 21, 2014
It's been an entire year since I weighed in at 177. I could not believe it. I had lost 31 pounds and was feeling AMAZING. Today I stepped on the scale and it showed me 209. I have gained 32 pounds in the last year. That alone, makes me want to vomit. What the hell have I done?? I have never been so embarrassed and ashamed. I can't sleep, I eat too much or I eat too little and what I DO eat is nothing but crap.
I have recently started tracking how many steps I take each day. As a SAHM, in a town far from my family and friends, I rarely get out much. Grocery shopping is about the only social interaction I get on a weekly basis. (And I usually do self check-out, so I can't really call this "interaction".) The weather here is so extreme from one season to the next that I can't bring myself to do outside activities. During the summer it's HOT, muggy, sticky and the mosquitos are swarming everywhere. During the winter it's -60 degrees with wind chill and you can't spend more than two minutes outside or you'll lose a toe to frostbite. I know these things are all excuses. I know how to get exercise inside or outside. I just don't know how to bring myself back from this slump.
This past year has been...... That's it I guess....It's been. Yes, there were good times. Birthday parties, family visits, my brother getting married and a few other noteworthy occasions. But for the most part, it's been repetitive and I feel like I'm just wishing my life away. I did have a wish come true, though. I will be moving HOME after over a year of wallowing in darkness. I will be around friends and family and familiar surroundings. I'm more than excited to be moving. I cannot wait to be out of this place and I'm hoping that my depression and anxiety will subside with this move and I will be ready to jump onto my own bandwagon and get myself healthy.
Granted, I have started. I am trying to get more steps in, watching what I eat a little more and buying healthier foods to cook at home. But I had a scare a month or two ago. I had a bunch of blood work done to see why I have so much trouble sleeping. Everything came back normal.....except my cholesterol. It was incredibly elevated. So elevated in fact, that if it's not down within 6 months, my doc wants to put me on meds. I am mortified. I'm not even 30!! I have let myself go so badly that I am putting my actual LIFE at risk. It's heartwrenching to think my kids are watching me be so unhealthy and lazy. Don't get me wrong, I get the housework done, I cook, clean, do laundry, bathe and clothe and feed and chase two kids. But it's not enough. It's not a sustainable lifestyle.
So I want to put this in writing, for myself, that by my 30th birthday (which is closer than I'd like to admit) I will be at my goal weight of 140 lbs. Totally doable. I want to get healthy, I don't ever want to have to go on meds just because I can't keep my butt out of the drive thru. But with this move, I know I will be opening up a whole new world. I now know what it's like to have no where to go and nothing to do. Not one person to talk to. I'm at my wits end with my lack of self esteem and my depression. I want to feel better, look better and BE BETTER. For myself and my kiddos.
So here it is. November 20th, I weigh 209. I will lose at least 69 lbs by the time I turn 30 (hopefully much sooner). My smaller, closer goal is to be back under 200 lbs by January 1st. Ten pounds in 6 weeks. I can do this, and I will. That will be the best way I can think of to start 2015. Hopefully I will remember to blog often as it helps me get out of my own head. I CAN do this. I WILL do this. I DESERVE this. :-)