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Please don't judge me....

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The truth of the matter is that I have been lieing to myself and my doctor about how much alcohol that I am drinking. You guys know the truth as I have been documenting it for some odd months now.
Last week I met with my psych doctor and told her that I was drinking 3 times per week 3 drinks each time. She asked me specifics.....
She said this was moderate drinking, and that she was happy that I was doing so well being moderate. I told her that I could not afford my therapist as our insurance was changing.
My therapist said that if I needed to call her to see her that I could do that.
My psych doctor told me to call her if I went from 3 to 5 days of drinking that she would help me...I don't know how she could help me.
This January I am getting ready to have a screening colonoscopy because of my age. In preparation for this I had to go on line and fill out a very thorough series of health information forms. It took almost an hour to complete. When it came to alcohol use, it wanted specifics. number and times per week....so I said 3 and 3 again. Then it asked me if I would consider this alcohol abuse.
I said no.
If I am being completely honest with you I would say" I abuse alcohol."
I was listening on the radio, a program about thinking about the number of drinks that you have for the week total. Moderate drinking was one drink a day...7 a week. any more than that was considered a problem. Men are allowed 14 drinks a week. (my hubby drinks high percentage of alcohol drinks that count 2 for 1. So he should only be drinking one a day of those beers.)
So my 9 drinks in one week is really in the problem range.
BUT THAT IS not even the truth!!!!!
I have been drinking WAY more than that....when I drink that is.
My sinus were acting up for the past week, I had been ill and therefore AF. Then last night, was hungry so drove around finding a place to grab a bite to eat. Ended up at whole foods in their bar! Next thing you know I am testing beer samples. First one was weak and the second one was strong (it was a big sample and 11%alcohol content) so I went for one in between. Founders porter 6.5 % alcohol. I complained because the bartender poured my beer with a lot of foam...grr! I ordered a pizza and talked to my sister a bit on the phone.
A pint of beer is about 14 oz. so that is more than a bottle of beer and the fact that a normal beer has about 4.5% alcohol. So if I am truthful I would go back and change my one beer to 1.5 beers on my daily journal.
In my head I am playing a numbers game....and judging myself. I said I would never drink and drive again. 2 weeks ago We met after a concert with the guest artist and hubby and I and another student. I forgot that I drove separately and ended up drinking 3 pints of strong beers. As we were leaving I remembered that I drove separately.
Wow. I could not believe it! I was going to have to drive myself home.
I drove home very carefully and was lucky that I did not get in an accident or get caught.
Last night I drove home having only 1.5 beers, I felt fine.
So am I back to drinking and driving????
I am AF again tonight.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Don't feel bad, we are human. I was drinking 4 drinks a day-nite. everyday. That's abusing alcohol. After 21 days , I plan to be mod. I know I don,t want to stay AF. But we do feel better. Cherie
    2330 days ago
    Bizi - you are not alone - I don't or won't answer those questionnaires honestly - because despite my classifying my drinking as 'mod' I know it's not in the eyes of the regulations. If you feel bad about your practices - then it's time to make a change. The constant questioning is damaging. I know myself - I need to look at cutting down a LOT... We are all in this together my friend.
    2331 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1554511

    I know 75 days of sobriety doesn't make me an expert, but I think you are taking steps toward admitting to yourself that you have a problem with alcohol. That's a very important first step. When I started my journey, I couldn't call myself an alcoholic, either. I knew I drank too much, and I knew it was getting worse, and I also knew I needed to do something about it. Now, 75 days later, I have finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic who hadn't yet ruined her health, career and relationships or her life. Not YET. Moderation works for some, but not for me. Not for a lot of people. In my sober clarity, I realized that people who can moderate don't spend their time worrying about their consumption, taking "Am I an Alcoholic" quizzes on line, like I was doing. You have to be honest with yourself, and then when you're ready, with the people in your life. That's the scary part. I finally said out loud to my partner last week, "I'm an alcoholic." It's scary to say it out loud. It took me over two months of not drinking to finally admit the power it had over me. I didn't realize it until I quit. I also didn't realize until I quit how much drinking had depressed my moods, made me anxious, and reduced my enjoyment of life. I'm not telling anyone how to live. If you can moderate, then by all means, you should do so, for many reasons. But only you can answer the question of whether or not that's possible for you. I know for me, if I'm really honest with myself, I know that moderation would be short-lived. I know I'd be back to daily drinking within months if not sooner. If you can moderate, you're lucky. But if you can't, you only have two choices. Your life, or the bottle. It's pretty simple. Which one do you choose?
    2332 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/22/2014 11:27:01 PM
  • CAROL_31649731
    My heart goes out to you, Bizi. I know what a struggle it can be. You're not alone, when it comes to lying to yourself about problems in your life. In one way or another, we're all in some sort of denial. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my dear friend. Only you know, in your heart, where you are on this AF journey. Just know I'm in your corner. emoticon
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2332 days ago
    No judgement here. As long too as you wait before getting in the car and have some food you should be ok. That would be the only thing that would concern me as was said that can put someone elses life at risk.
    I think if YOU are not comfortable than you need to change but also many cultures drink every day without judgement. So it is good to explore. Find out what you want and what you need and know that we support you!
    2333 days ago
    I truly appreciate your honesty and that you feel safe enough to share with your sp friends.

    These are very important questions you are asking yourself, bizi. The idea that you are asking them at all, tells me that you feel you are drinking too much. How much is too much? I don’t know. However if you personally feel you are ...what ever the amount...then you probably are.
    You are brave to confront the issue. Do you want to take it a step further and try to understand why this is causing you so much anxiety? That’s up to you...it wouldn’t hurt to look a little deeper. It will take courage and I know you have that, my friend!

    2333 days ago
  • MRTHING2000
    We aren't judging. The question is in your mind 'am I an alcoholic' or do I like to drink too much for XYZ reason(s). A lot of it is social, boredom, and other reasons if you are not alcohol dependent.

    Struggling with alcoholism (if that is what it actually is) is a tough process, and there's a least a path forward that you can follow. But if it isn't true alcoholism, then it is just a comfort level with a specific behavior. I almost never drink, but when I do, it is probably to lubricate me socially--like having a holiday at the in-laws. Oh, I'll need a couple just to get over the chaos and feel at ease. I don't think anyone would say that is alcoholism. I can go AF and do it over there, but I am much more at ease if I have a drink or two.

    If it makes it easier (and it isn't alcoholism) if you can rationalize that 1) alcohol is empty calories, 7 per gram, and it doesn't do anything for you, 2) alcohol is metabolized first--so your blood sugar can drop rapidly even if you eat something, 3) it is expensive, and 4) it really compromises the nutrition plan.

    Its a tough struggle. Years ago when I was first starting out I drank ALOT. It wasn't anything to drink a 5th of gin a week. After awhile I started to become concerned. I didn't crave drinks at all, but I didn't like what was happening. I wasn't out of control but it seemed excessive. For me, it was mostly out of depression and true boredom. Starting treating the depression, and magically the alcohol use plummeted. That was true for me though.

    I have still not been 100% honest with the psych doctor either. There's a few magic words you cannot use without consequence. Wish I could be more honest but I have my reasons. At least the meds are where they should be.
    2333 days ago

    Comment edited on: 11/22/2014 8:03:44 AM
    Always remember that it is not just your life that you're putting at risk when you drink and drive and I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time staying AF. I am very happy that you are AF tonight and I wish you the best on your journey. :)
    2333 days ago
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