Erasing the past?
Tuesday, December 02, 2014
Boy, I've been away for a long while!
I'm not proud to admit it, but I have not been doing so well.
Let's see, what's new since the last time I was here?
Well, I changed jobs over a year ago and am no longer working night shift. That's a great thing because the long nights up were really destroying my health. However, since then, I've been more busy with different things and my focus went from taking care or myself to trying to be a super-woman... again!
I've been down this road before and it's not good!
Still, I love my job!
What else... Oh yes, I hurt my knee over a year ago, and since I'm not good at taking care of myself, I didn't go to a doctor right away. The pain and the injury got worse and now I am waiting for an MRI and will most likely need surgery. I'm not proud of myself here either!
But enough negativity, let's talk about the facts. Through all this, not taking care of myself and being overworked and full of excuses, I've gained back all the weight I had lost, minus 8 lbs! That's right!!!
So my question is this: can I erase the past...again... And pretend like nothing happened and I'm still 40 lbs lighter and able to run a 10k?
Of course I can't! I can't even run at all with my knee injury!
So I'm stuck...again!
I'm writing "again" because this is all too familiar. This is my story, yoyo dieting, self-pity, denying, etc.
I can't believe I'm back to square one again... Minus 8 lbs of course!
No, I'm not proud!
So I am here tonight, wondering if I can erase the last 2 years...
When am I going to learn? Why would this time be different?
Well, for starters, I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I am older, more aware, hopefully a little bit wiser! I am less tolerant, more tired, but more in tune with how I feel. I no longer work night shift, which is a huge thing. I recognize that exercise is not only good for my body but also for my mind. It's an amazing treatment for my chronic headaches. I have a husband who's extremely supportive. I can now admit my weaknesses, which I could never do before. To that effect, I lack discipline and self-confidence. I have a renewed faith in God, who I believe can help me overcome any obstacle, my weight included.
So, even if I could erase the past, it's probably not a good idea, since the past made me who I am today. I think I am better equipped to face the next few months and start losing weight...again. Because with the wisdom I now have, I can admit that I am not well, not proud, not too healthy, not very happy with the way I look and feel, and that I am the only person responsible for how I look and feel. And only me can make the decision to change things. My relationship with food is something I must fix, not my husband.
I must take responsibility for my health.
The past is the past, the future is what I can look forward to. I don't like walking so much, but with my injury I can't run for now, so walking I will do. I must restart somewhere, so I am restarting here.
One day at the time, there's nothing else I can do.