some hearts break slower than others
Sunday, December 07, 2014
It's been roughly 4 1/2 months since my grandma passed away, and as Christmas approaches and my son decorated the tree today, it feels like she's gone in a much bigger way now. Christmas was the one time a year I got to see her and spend the most time with her after my son was born. Before then, if I was on the eastern seaboard, I saw her for all but one Christmas that I can recall. I just don't feel like it's Christmas, like it's something I want to celebrate at all this year.
I spent most of today cleaning up the living room & re-arranging furniture so I could put the tree up for my son. He's only 8, and it's probably the last year he'll still believe in Santa, so I know I need to try to pull it together for him, so he can have a happy Christmas -even while we're all missing Grammy. I even hung her stocking on the fireplace next to his, I just couldn't leave it sitting in the bottom of the box by itself.
I've regained 13 out of the 60 pounds I lost earlier this year, and am trying to get myself back into tracking my food and exercising. I have an interview scheduled for the 18th of this month for a permanent position, but I'm competing against 15 other people for the one opening they have, so I'm not getting my hopes up. At this point, I've decided to start cleaning house - I'm getting stuff together to sell on ebay - I need the money & don't need all the crap that's cluttering up my home & my life. My son deserves to have a home that is clean and tidy and has room for him to play around inside the house when it's nasty outside.
I've started sewing again- my grandma had taught me how to sew years ago, as usual, my mother tried to twist the memory into one about her - but I shut her down. I still have my suspicions about her speeding along my grandma's death. I know she was in bad shape and that the outcome was inevitable, but I think my mother got tired of waiting and just wanted to be done with everything sooner rather than later so she can get her hands on the money. I just don't want to hear one more word about the house closing last month or how much she can bill back to the estate to keep her brother from getting anything she doesn't think he deserves. I mean she even kept my sisters inheritance! My grandma gave me mine a few years ago when I was buying the house and she told me, "You each get $10,000, it's up to your mother if you get anything more than that." When my sister was helping my mom go through the financial paperwork, she found the letter from where grandma had sent me my money and she asked our mother about her inheritance and my mother grabbed the letter out of her hand and shredded it and told my sister that that's not what that letter was about and that there was no $10,000 for her. She doesn't know that my sister and I have been talking and we've told each other about all of the crap she's been pulling and how she keeps trying to bad mouth us to each other.
I want nothing more to do with this poisonous, hateful, manipulative controlling bitch from hell. I don't want my son anywhere near her, but she's the only family he really knows, but he's too little to know what she is yet. My sister just keeps saying, you know everything is about her and she's crazy.
My plan now is to be gone by July. I need to get rid of as much as I can to lighten up the move as much as I can. I have to keep going with the weight loss, I'll need all the extra weight to be gone so I can get rid of the rest of my larger sized clothes. Not to mention how much easier it is to move around and the higher energy levels when I'm back down around 135-140 lbs. All I have to do now is figure out where to go from here - it's the only way I think my heart will ever heal.