Hiding in plain sight
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Over the years, I stopped looking in full-length mirrors. I bought most of my clothes online since I hated going into store dressing rooms. I tried not to be caught in pictures. I knew my body was changing in ways I didn't want, and I was hiding from myself.
I'm married to the best man in the whole world because as all this was happening, he never stopped telling me how much he loves me or how beautiful he thinks I am. So it made me sad when my changing body included my fingers getting chubby, and making my ring finger look like a strangled sausage. It's physically impossible for me to take that ring off - there's too much finger in the way! Looking at my ring just emphasizes how much my body has changed as I've grown older - it's not something I can hide from. And I do ridiculous things, like try to keep my fingers pressed together, or bent together, to minimize how strangled and sausage-y my ring finger looks.
But now my ring is a little more mobile. A couple of months ago, I could rotate my ring around my finger - barely. Today it turns easily, and I can even move it up my finger a bit. I am going to be really pleased if I can lose enough weight and my fingers slim enough that my ring can come off and on again. I don't know why this is a thing for me, but it somehow is.
I have gone through fits of exercise to try to get fit and slim down, but never had the willpower to stick to it for more than a couple of months at a time. I never tried a diet because I assumed I wouldn't be strong enough to do it. In a way, developing ridiculously high blood pressure was a blessing - it was a rude wake-up call that I need to at least *try* even if I don't think I can do it.