Thursday, January 22, 2015
I've been avoiding mirrors for so long that I stopped knowing what I looked like. In my head, I kept the memory of a thin me, and not looking in mirrors meant I had no contradictory data. And while I knew I was gaining weight, I was only reminded of it during my doctor visits since I never stepped on the scale at home. And I knew I was gaining weight from clothes which got snug, then tight. But I told myself that cotton shrinks with time, and that it was mostly the clothes and not me. Which is all my long-winded way of saying that I was fat, but my head still kept trying to trick me into thinking I wasn't.
Today a package was delivered - containing a photo book that the husband made of our summer vacation. And there are pictures of us, and I look undeniably fat in them. It was actually a bit shocking, since I usually don't let anyone take pictures of me so I don't have to look at myself, but it was a really nice vacation and I wanted pictures to help freeze some of the memories. Anyway, there was fat me, looking so much larger than the image of myself in my head. I've lost almost 30 lbs so I think I might look a little different now, but I haven't looked in a mirror to check. I think it's going to take my hitting my target before I'm brave enough to do so.
For now, I'm going to allow myself the vanity to believe I look slimmer, and I'm going to keep the image of fat me in my head to motivate me to keep going with this PSMF. I don't want to be too embarrassed to look into a mirror, I don't want to be embarrassed to see myself in pictures. It happened slowly and steadily, my body morphing into an unhealthy me. The last two months haven't been the easiest, but it's given me a strong appreciation of my improved health. When I feel tempted or weary, I'm going to remember the fat me and how much I don't want to be that version of me anymore.
So I'm closing in on 10 weeks of PSMF and have lost 29 lbs. I started at 178 and am at 149 now. My target is 135 and I am giving myself 7 more weeks to get there. So that's 7 more weeks before I look into a full-length mirror, for the first time in years - I'm a little excited about what I will see.