Feeling defeated.

I have been thinking today about my initial weight loss and the regain of 30 some pounds. I know part of the regain is medication. The part that just makes me want to scream at myself is the over-eating thus creating pain in my knees and spine from the weight. I have fallen back into a pattern of unhealthy eating and little to no exercise. I did so well for 3 years. I took of 80 pounds and was under 200 pounds. My knees didn't hurt. I wasn't eating for comfort. I could walk and not get winded. My self esteem and confidence was up. What happened? What rocked my world? Why did I stop taking my medication? I have yet to figure that out. So much I don't remember in 2013.

I know one thing. I feel vulnerable. Not sure I will ever feel anything other than that. I know I am rambling. I just wanted to get it out. See if that would help. Something has got to make me feel like I deserve to be healthy. I can't keep beating myself up for what is in the past. This PTSD is just killing my psyche. The EMDR has got to work. I am tired of the flashbacks. The feelings that come with them. I am not that little girl anymore. I am an adult the past needs to be dealt with and left there. I am not sure that will ever happen. I can hope.