A strange but beautiful anniversary
Saturday, February 28, 2015
I resist journaling, but I don't mind writing a spark blog because I feel safe with you guys. Today is a super-special day. It's the anniversary of the day I gave my ex-husband's ring back and told him to get out. That was the official start of six months of absolute hell for me as I waited to see if he could do the heart work necessary to repair our relationship because of his food addiction and the lying about finances it caused. I hadn't realized I'd married a food addict, but I realized and embraced that I was, too. I had let food help control my emotions, and though the last year, even in the deepest, darkest pits I felt, I worked to FEEL them instead of stuff them or eat them to a manageable level. I cried my eyes out, but I didn't turn to food.
I probably gained 20 lbs by August, but it was from a LOT of social eating by enjoying beautiful weather and restaurants with friends after hiking and paddle boarding. I did have three sit-on-the-couch-with-open-jar
cream nights, but I didn't feel guilty after them, I just refocused. I kept lifting like a beast in the gym, but tracking food fell off. I would write myself a note in the "add notes" section for some level of accountability, but I haven't been brave enough to go back and look at them.
The divorce finalized in October, and I finally had to look at myself and decide to get the weight off. I lost 10 lbs of bloat through October/November/December, and in January, I had set a goal for 12 weeks out for my birthday to have lost the last ten. I started to obsess, and the scale wouldn't move. I felt like a failure, and I had a binge, a real, "old Amber" binge where I ate past the point of comfort and into tummy pain. I was "hungover" the next day from all of the junk and sodium.
I had a long heart-to-heart with my best friend and realized I was equating the last ten lbs with being over my divorce. Crazy logic, right? Since then, I've actually stopped tracking calories (I still weigh my food, but I've been eating my normal routine and trying little bites to see if I feel anxious) and exercise to try and get my anxiety down. When you're debating if you should have fruit or debating have carbs for breakfast, things have gone too far. I joined the Half Size community, and I've been celebrating the weight I have kept off and how strong I am in the gym. I'm trying to embrace that I didn't "fail" at weight loss and i didn't "fail" at my marriage, but rather, maybe my body would like to stay here and my marriage failed.
My larger clothes are fitting, and yes, I would like to lost those pesky ten to get back into my preferred size, but right now, at this minute, I need to focus on dropping the anxiety about food. I have finally convinced my brain that the 65 lbs are not coming back, truly. If it was going to come back, it would have during the divorce process.
I haven't weighed in in two weeks, and after three years of dieting, I'm actually ok not knowing how much I weigh. I'm not sure what is going to happen from here, but the last two weeks has really been a HUGE leap in my life journey.