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Mar 02: Now I Know How Worthless Feel Like

Monday, March 02, 2015

After a review with team lead, direct supervisor and HR rep for our department, I felt so worthless and confused and I tried so hard not to break down. In previous review, they said my rating was pro-rate because I'm a new staff (sounds like a normal thing). Then in today's review, they said because my rate is low, I need to go through a 3 months improvement plan where I need to improve both my performance and behaviour.

First part: Performance, I was so deeply confuse with what they said. It seemed that they wanted me to make my clients satisfied, always be there to support them (people who I supported in the department and perhaps other people like our stackholders, other department personnel, team members). But at same time, they also wanted me to set some boundaries, like not making myself in-disposable (something sounds like that), like not making myself the only person who can do the job. They wanted me to be accountable to the tasks they setup for me but at same time, don't make myself do too much work outside my working hours (some clients work in day and night shifts, no weekend or public holiday so I always be on stand by in case they might want support from me). What exactly they expect me to do, I felt so torn up! And the best part: they didn't know what exactly I do. Anyhow, as they wanted me to come to them for any issue and no more hiding or be too independent (a.k.a. trying to solve issue myself because I didn't want them to think I'm so helpless that I keep running to them when I have issues), ok, I'll do that. I will list out all of my activities and roles and all issues that I can think of. And the discussion will not be completed in mere 1 hour as I have LOTS of issues.

The second part: Behaviour. From what I understand, there are two main things - how I always come late (though, I always make up with staying late) and how I always say flat no when people came up with requests.

The first issue, this might sounds lame excuse but I always overslept because I have trouble with my sleep due to lots of reasons - noisy fireworks from festive seasons (we have A LOT of festive seasons!), staying late for some events my parents brought me, late dinner, too stress to sleep, night calls whether from operations or teleconference with people from other side of world. So when I woke up with 4 - 6 hours of sleep when my alarm rang, I felt so sleepy, so cranky, so tired, big headache so I tend to sleep again for another one hour after I did my usual morning routine (prayer, shower). I always reason with myself that that one hour extra sleep will help me with driving to work because I don't want to be too sleepy to drive and end up in accident (which I think part of why I crashed into another car in 2009). Why I didn't tell them because not even once since I joined their team officially that they ever asked about my health. To me, they don't strike as caring towards me, not like my old bosses and teams. Anyhow, today I beg my parents that I didn't want to join them to one event tonight (it was something about funeral-related of our old neighbour and from my experience, they will have dinner 8 to 9 pm plus some chit chat and by the time we arrive back to home, it will be nearly 10 pm and because late dinner, I can't sleep till around 11 pm or midnight). I want to have early dinner before 8 pm (which I did) and go to sleep around 9 pm (by the time I wrote this, it's now 5-min before 8 pm, plenty of time to prepare for bed). I will try to follow this routine, no matter what my parents will beg me to do at night. So, if I sleep around 9 pm, I can wake up around 4 am and I can get 7 hours of sleep (my average of good sleep, the longest is 9 hours).

Lastly, the second issue related to Behaviour - how I always said flat no to people requesting me to do something for them. Apparently there are more than one or two complaints so they couldn't ignore this. I squeezed my brain dry and I still can't think of any recent event that I said flat no - saying no without explanation. Am I really that bad of not even aware of myself saying flat no? Gah, now my head is full of that phrase "FLAT NO", uhuh. Perhaps my definition of no is different than people around me? Maybe when I said no and explained why, people only heard the word no and my explanation was too short? How come people didn't come up and say directly to me about this? I wonder if I keep dealing with two-face people without knowing it. I don't think I can interpret people smile as honest smile anymore - maybe their smiles hide their true response towards me.

Now, the end of the blog, it's 3 minutes to 8:15 pm. I'm going to prepare for bed and cry to sleep.
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