I thought it would be different
Tuesday, May 05, 2015
A bit of a lightbulb moment this last weekend. I had often wondered why I couldn't get back into weightloss mode. I got right down to my goal weight and it was like a switch was flipped in my brain - all I wanted to do was eat. Maybe I was making up for everything that I didn't eat while I was losing. Maybe it was coming from the fear of regaining the weight (because you don't have to be afraid of whether something might happen if you make it happen yourself).
But this weekend I thought about the fact that for all those years that I was obese and ashamed, I thought that if I lost the weight then I would be happy. If I only lost the weight THEN I would be happy.
I lost the weight. But I wasn't suddenly happy. I was still me. I wasn't obese but I was still ashamed. Of what? Not sure, really. Down deep I've never really believed that I deserved to be happy.
Maybe I was using food to fend of the disappointment that losing weight didn't magically fix everything. Maybe I was just falling back into old habits. Maybe I was just tired.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not Eeyore. It's not all gray all the time. I guess I just thought it would be different. I thought I would be different.
Bottom line? I have some work to do. (Don't we all?) Remember to look for and be open to joy. Let the light in.
Take care of yourselves out there, SparkPeeps.