Up and down and all around
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
So yesterday I forgot to take anything out of the freezer for lean and we were out of everything else, and I was feeling headachy and depressed and hungry and really just planning to go sit on the porch with a bottle of wine and a box of crackers and finish them both and call that dinner. But I was fighting it and got myself to a standstill. I couldn't quite give up on the wine/crackers idea, but I couldn't quite get myself to go figure out something on plan (I do have one L&G microwave meal, I just don't particularly like them).
Then my husband came home early (earlier than expected, later than usual) and I told him I was thinking about just giving up and being fat forever. He said sure, if that's what I want to do, I can do it. BUT for months now (years?) I've been able to put one good week together, and then fall apart the second week. When I manage to keep the 2nd week reasonable, I might still lose, but by the third week I don't lose, and then I put another good week together.
So he challenged me. Do two weeks. If I can stay on plan for two weeks straight, then re-evaluate how I feel and whether I think the plan will work for me long term. Honestly, last night and this morning until I had my breakfast, I was already feeling better. I did the right thing. I made a lean and green dinner that is on my plan. But now, some 1.5 hours later, I'm thinking about my official weigh-in tonight and I know it'll be ugly, I'm thinking about food already, I'm thinking about how I'm tired and my mood is bluntly just down.
It's so great when you're losing. You feel so good. But it's SO HARD to hold on to that feeling when you're sitting on your butt at work for 8 hours plowing through piles of paperwork that never seem to get smaller.
I know all the buzzwords, I know that I need to change my relationship with food, I know that I can never go back to eating the way I used to or I will go back to weighing what I used to. I wasn't happy at 237 and I did something about it. But I'm not really happy at 190 either. I waved to my grandparents the other day and I was horrified that my upper arm kept waving after I was done!
I feel flabby lately, and stressed, and I know it's because I haven't been able to exercise. I keep trying to get through the garage and re-set up our workout area, and it's just SO FULL I haven't been able to do it. My plantar faciitis is finally starting to go away, so hopefully if I'm careful I can start running again. Having the horse is also pretty good exercise.
I don't know why I'm so down, but I am. I was doing so well right up until we left on the cruise. Gained a bit more than I wanted on the cruise, but I was stoked to get right back on plan. Then it was mother's day, but I wasn't going to drink and try to stay close to plan. But I did drink and I didn't stay on plan. Then it was a new week and I was going to get right back on plan, but work was so overwhelming after being gone for a week, I just had a little thing here, a little thing there. Then it was a new weekend and I was going to get right back on plan...but I didn't.
I have excuses, I was running low on food, we were going going going all weekend, my husband wanted to go to breakfast, my husband wanted to get a pizza, I made banana bread with some bananas that were going bad and wanted to try it, I made apple pie and wanted to try it, we were tired, we were hungry. WE WERE LIVING and I need to stop making excuses!
When I'm at my goal the occasional piece (not loaf!) of banana bread isn't so bad. The occasional (small!) slice of apple pie isn't so bad. But even at goal, several slices of banana bread and a large slice of apple pie with ice cream in the same day is a BAD IDEA.
Tomorrow I'll post about my horse, Shasta. Things are SO good there that I'm terrified for the other shoe to drop! Why did someone just let this big beautiful sweetheart go? Maybe he escaped and someone is looking for him, but he's not chipped or tattooed, and he was on the animal control's website and facebook for our area for a month. You would think if someone was looking for him, they would have found him.
Maybe they just couldn't afford it or didn't care anymore, but either thought is pretty sad.