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Gaining, Lies and Broken Chairs

Monday, May 25, 2015

This week was a rough one for me, I ended up gaining two lbs, which is sad, but on the other hand I knew it was coming. So, I have decided that part of this journey is being honest with myself about things, about how I feel, what I do, or do not do, and experiences that I come across. And that includes blogging about them, because I need to be able to look back and remember these things, remember what happened.

Now, first off, this week I was out of town for four days. I took several of my clients up to the State Special Olympic games for them to compete because they made it to the state level. I couldn't be prouder of them all, they worked hard to get there, and did their best in all their events. And even though it stressed me out, I would go back and do it again in a heartbeat. Secondly, the Special Olympics used their fundraising funds to pay for the lunches at the dorms we stayed at, and then the same mess hall made lunches to take to the events as well. Meaning, absolutely no control over what I got to eat, and not even knowing what I got to eat until I literally was ready to eat. Awesome. I was dreading it, I am not going to lie, and I fell off the wagon a bit on Wednesday (The day we left) and went and got a burger from McDonalds for lunch, instead of eating lighter since I knew we were going out to eat for supper.

Now, I do feel like I did make small.... very small... healthier choices instead of going all out and bingeing. We went to a taco place, and I got a taco salad instead of a big plate meal, and I used salsa instead of dressing. So small victories. Same with the meals that we were given from the mess hall, I always ate the fruit first. Tried to not pack on calorie heavy condiments and I still did track everything, so I knew my calorie content, which was around 3,000 a day, where my range is roughly 1,800 to 2,100 a day. Another small victory (for tracking) and I did get at least 10 cups of water in a day, another one. But still not the best week overall.

Okay, so I am done ranting about the food situation, but I discovered that I really did not like not having a choice about what I ate, I felt like I had no control. And I did not like that feeling at all, it was if all my energy was drained away when I was handed something and basically it was.. eat that or go hungry. That aspect alone raised my stress level, and I know that I am an emotional eater, so even when I got home I was still bugged by it, and I made less than healthy choices yesterday as well.

So back to my original point, and the title of this rant. Have you ever noticed that you are used to being overweight in your own home, your work, places you frequent often. You sort of create this comfort level with being heavy in those places, you know what to expect, how to turn to fit into that little narrow linen closet, things like that. But then when you go somewhere new, a friends house, a hotel, or any place that is not the norm, you can feel how big you are. Sitting in a chair in a unfamiliar gym and the arms sink into your hips hard and leave bruises. I very much had that this week, we stayed in college dorms, we were in several buildings over the course of the days for the events and ceremonies. But you know, you stay quiet, you don't say anything about... oh, I'm to big for this chair you gave me.. you suffer in silence because how embarrassing is that. So I have lovely deep dark bruises from several chairs I sat in, but that isn't even the worst of it.

Now, there was about.. thirty or so athletes in our group, and three of them were the ones I was chaperoning. Then there was about another eighteen or so chaperones, coaches, parents, ect. So there were several of us, and I was by far the biggest, heaviest person there. Well we went to the track meet, and we had to take our own travel chairs to sit in. I got this one for $5, because I literally have used it MAYBE three times a year for the past 4 years. I only use it at the Special Olympic track meets, and I know that it has a weight limit of 250lbs, but as long as I don't move around to much I should be okay, right? So I get it out, and get it set up, and we are sitting and waiting for the events to start, chatting with the group. I got up to help one of my girls get her stuff from the car she forgot, and go to sit back down. And then it happened.

As I move to sit in the chair, the legs buckled, the joints popped and I went down hard. Because even though I have lost 40lbs, I still exceed the maximum weight limit by almost 150lbs. The side bars were digging it deep to my upper thighs, and I was sitting on the bend bars, and I was leaned against a tree so I didnt fall over at least. I was so embarrassed, I was towards the back of the group so not to many people saw, but the ones that did.. I laughed it off, I lied. I told them that it was breaking before I brought it, it wasn't, and that I was hoping that it would last this last trip.. haha. In truth I wanted to crawl into a hole and die, then to add insult to injury... I was sorta stuck. My knees were bent, feet flat on the ground, and I tried a couple times to get up, and I couldn't so I sat there, uncomfortably, for about an hour. Telling people that I was fine, oh no.. it was comfortable, I was good.. no problem at all. I also have deep bruises on my thighs and butt because of that damn chair.

Eventually people started going off to events, and there wasn't as many around, so I went to get up. And because of how I was sitting my bad knee caved when I tried to stand, so I ended up sitting on the ground for another couple hours, good thing my girls didn't need help with anything. I finally was able to get up, but I had to ask a girl that I knew for a few years for help. Again, I was mortified, but once again, laughed it off... haha.. my leg fell asleep, I can't get up. Another lie.

And that is why I am also trying to being brutally honest to myself within my lifestyle change, because I never realized how much I lied about my weight, about my abilities. Oh I would love to go for a walk with you, but I twisted my ankle. Lie. Oh, I would love to go to the zoo with you, but my stomach is upset, I think I have the flu. Lie. Because saying.. I'm sorry, I am to heavy to walk for very long, without getting out of breath and my legs hurting so I will stay home alone and eat instead. But no more, I might not be telling everyone the truth yet... meaning, about the chair, my leg falling asleep.. but I have to be honest with myself if I am going to make a healthy positive in my life.

Even last night was rough for me, I honestly felt like in one bad week I had gained back all of the 40lbs that I had lost. I wanted to eat because again I was stressed, but I didn't I kept drinking a cup of water when the cravings got really bad. The Crave Monster didn't win last night! So I get home, strip down to my 'weighing outfit' (bra and panties.. just so its the same every week) and I pussyfooted around for a good ten minutes before finally getting on the scale. I gained 2lbs, like I said, which is far better than I felt like I was going to, and now... I can pick myself up... and take another step in the right direction, and another.. I can do this, I will do this, and that is not a lie.
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