Treating Myself as I Treat Others
Saturday, October 24, 2015
So, I was commenting on a very dear spark friend's blog this morning when I acknowledged something to myself. I don't forgive myself or support myself any where near as well as I treat others. I quickly remind others that "progress not perfection" is what is important.
I have such a mental block in accepting that. I KNOW that it is true. I know that I don't HAVE to be perfect but I still struggle mightily with it. I don't expect perfection from ANYONE except myself. I'm not sure why that is. I think, no I am sure, it stems from childhood. The least mistake was criticized heavily. The smallest infraction brought the ugliest words forth. Thankfully I was never physically abused but that verbal abuse sticks with me just the same. As a child, I constantly pushed myself to never make mistakes, in order to keep the ugly words at bay (you're stupid, fat, useless, etc.) No matter what I did right, though, I never heard praise. It was this never ending cycle. I struggled to please to hear praise that rarely if ever materialized but often faced wrath for dropping something or missing a spot when washing dishes. I was determined to not do that to anyone else and I don't think I ever did.
My kids were never belittled. We never demanded all A's. We only expected them to honestly do their best. We continually praised all efforts and I think the results are wonderful. But I continue to be too hard on myself. I frustrate my husband to no end in this area. In fact, just a week ago he actually got angry with me for being too negative about myself.
That man has NEVER belittled me. Never puts me down. When something self derogatory slipped from my mouth he begged me to stop already. I have lived with him many years longer than I ever lived with my mother and I need to stop letting her treatment of me to influence how I see myself. He is right. I know he is. I guess though, that her influence was all during my formative years and it is stuck there. Oh how I wish I could just remove that part of my brain.
I have been on a mission lately to stop verbally putting myself down. I am struggling in stopping the thoughts but I am trying. It is so automatic for me to immediately think something negative when I hear a positive. For example, if my husband calls me beautiful I turn my face away so he doesn't see the automatic eye roll. If my boss tells a prospective parent what a great teacher I am I automatically think to myself all the class room mistakes I've recently made. I know all the positive traits I have; all the accomplishments I have achieved. But I can't seem to let go of the mistakes I make.
I promise to myself I will work harder at forgiving myself. I know I am not perfect and that I shouldn't be and don't need to be. Only GOD is perfect and humans are not. We all make mistakes. God expects us to be loving and good to ourselves as well as others. I truly try to live treating others the way I want to be treated. I promise myself to start treating myself the way I want people to treat me. I promise to learn to love myself.
In the end I promise to remember "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION"