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JACKIEANN1968
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Treating Myself as I Treat Others

Saturday, October 24, 2015

So, I was commenting on a very dear spark friend's blog this morning when I acknowledged something to myself. I don't forgive myself or support myself any where near as well as I treat others. I quickly remind others that "progress not perfection" is what is important.

I have such a mental block in accepting that. I KNOW that it is true. I know that I don't HAVE to be perfect but I still struggle mightily with it. I don't expect perfection from ANYONE except myself. I'm not sure why that is. I think, no I am sure, it stems from childhood. The least mistake was criticized heavily. The smallest infraction brought the ugliest words forth. Thankfully I was never physically abused but that verbal abuse sticks with me just the same. As a child, I constantly pushed myself to never make mistakes, in order to keep the ugly words at bay (you're stupid, fat, useless, etc.) No matter what I did right, though, I never heard praise. It was this never ending cycle. I struggled to please to hear praise that rarely if ever materialized but often faced wrath for dropping something or missing a spot when washing dishes. I was determined to not do that to anyone else and I don't think I ever did.

My kids were never belittled. We never demanded all A's. We only expected them to honestly do their best. We continually praised all efforts and I think the results are wonderful. But I continue to be too hard on myself. I frustrate my husband to no end in this area. In fact, just a week ago he actually got angry with me for being too negative about myself.

That man has NEVER belittled me. Never puts me down. When something self derogatory slipped from my mouth he begged me to stop already. I have lived with him many years longer than I ever lived with my mother and I need to stop letting her treatment of me to influence how I see myself. He is right. I know he is. I guess though, that her influence was all during my formative years and it is stuck there. Oh how I wish I could just remove that part of my brain.

I have been on a mission lately to stop verbally putting myself down. I am struggling in stopping the thoughts but I am trying. It is so automatic for me to immediately think something negative when I hear a positive. For example, if my husband calls me beautiful I turn my face away so he doesn't see the automatic eye roll. If my boss tells a prospective parent what a great teacher I am I automatically think to myself all the class room mistakes I've recently made. I know all the positive traits I have; all the accomplishments I have achieved. But I can't seem to let go of the mistakes I make.

I promise to myself I will work harder at forgiving myself. I know I am not perfect and that I shouldn't be and don't need to be. Only GOD is perfect and humans are not. We all make mistakes. God expects us to be loving and good to ourselves as well as others. I truly try to live treating others the way I want to be treated. I promise myself to start treating myself the way I want people to treat me. I promise to learn to love myself.

In the end I promise to remember "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION"

emoticon Jackie
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • KICKINGIT@56
    Sometimes it's very difficult to believe that God's unconditional love applies to you when you have grown up in an environment where performance was a prerequisite for love. If I might recommend a book that helped me recover from a similar upbringing: "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I cried - with relief!

    Blessings to you


    emoticon emoticon
    1626 days ago
  • NEWSPARKDEBBIE
    What an amazing post my friend.....
    we really need to keep in closer touch with each other and cheer each other on more often. Miss you my friend! emoticon
    1712 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15408704
    Learning to be gentler with ourselves ... can be really hard work. I know it's something I struggle with as well ... I'm glad you are working on this ... Remember that even in this you can go gently though emoticon
    1720 days ago
  • KALISWALKER
    emoticon
    1721 days ago
  • SARENAERINS
    I put myself down, too. Mistakes, lack of progress, on & on... I tell others to focus on the positives in life, but I don't take my own advice. I'm going to try to keep your post in mind.
    1723 days ago
  • TUESDAYBEAR
    Good for you for realizing this about yourself. I know from experience that the road to recovery here is tough. But imagine what you were like as a baby. Cute and beautiful and worthy of everything good. And know that you still deserve all of that.
    1723 days ago
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