Tuesday, March 01, 2016
My entire pregnancy I was a nervous wreck. I blogged on here about how afraid I was. I think I spent my entire pregnancy trying not to be emotionally attached to the being (or parasite as I called her) growing inside of me.
I was always exhausted. Always hungry. Always thirsty. Always peeing. I feared giving her all of my worst qualities. I feared she would inherit her father's feet. What if she didn't like me? What if I couldn't take care of her. I didn't have the money for a baby. What was I thinking.
My labor hit hard and fast on the 25th of May. Honestly it was so hard and fast all I could do was focus my mind on the pain. And breathe. I vaguely remember kneeling on the hospital bed and being told not to push yet although my body was screaming otherwise. I clearly remember being rushed into a hospital gown and hoping my backside wasn't hanging out while I tried my hardest not to let this baby be born. I was wheeled to my birthing room. The floor was still wet from being mopped. The previous resident had just been booted so I may have the birthing tub. The midwife wasn't there yet. I was on my knees in a warm jacuzzi tub. The lights were kept dimmed. The nurse kept running in and out of the room, M later told me that she was scared the midwife would not make my labor. I kept my eyes closed through contractions and remember opening them asking where she was. It was difficult to track time, but I opened my eyes and she was there. Her name is Neva and in that moment, she was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.
Neva asked me if a resident doctor could assist, she explained that they don't often get to see a natural delivery. I was worried the doc was a male, she assured me the resident was a female, so I consented. My labor began at 10:00p, and four hours later at 2:08a I was holding this tiny perfect being that I had been so afraid of. It all happened so fast. She stole every ounce of my heart.
Evelyn weighed 8 lbs 3oz. She was 21" long, and the staff all gushed at how perfectly her head was shaped. She has been the center of my life these past 21 months. I adore her more than I could ever put to words. She is so much fun, and I see such a beauty in her. Even if she has her father's feet.
I haven't been on Spark much at all. I struggled with breastfeeding. She didn't latch well and my stupid boobs didn't want to work right. I didn't give up though. I supplemented formula and still nursed every chance I could. I still night nurse her, although that will come to a close by her 2nd birthday.
Nursing helped me drop so much weight. Until about the 6 month postpartum mark. I was looking great and doing great until then. I have honestly gained about 40 lbs in the past 14 months. That is so embarrassing to admit. But there it is. In black and white. I can not avoid it. Now I need to do something about it.
I am back! I am digging the updated app. I am using my fitbit. I am hoping to get healthy again because my daughters deserve a healthy mom. I realized how badly I missed everyone once I started reading blogs and statuses. I hope everyone is well, and look forward to working with you all again!