Twas the day before weigh-in,
and all through the house,
there were morsels of chocolate
far too big for a mouse...
So, yeah, I blew it and bought the kiddo FAR too much Easter candy. The giant bunny I got on the clearance rack because its face was smashed and its eyeballs were lying disturbingly on its feet was 4,800 calories itself - not to mention all the other chocolatey, marshmallowy, jelly, sugary, bubble gummy sins buried in the edible (yes, edible) Easter grass. If I was a betting gal, I'd bet that the whole Easter basket equated to a week's worth of calories at our current recommended allowance, and that's a bet I'd win (or lose, depending on how you look at it.) The worst part about it is not the temptation of it being there. It's the temptation to fall into all-or-nothing thinking if I happen to hop into nibbling any of it.
Perhaps I am alone in this, but I don't think so. When I "cheat" and eat something naughty or go over on my calories, something in my brain snaps. There is this big, fat voice that mocks, "Well, you ruined it anyway. You may as well eat everything else in the house, fatty." Case in point, here's another confession for you: After a weekend that started with a pizza buffet and ended with divorce court, with Easter candy in between, I sat down on my sofa last night to relax and decided that since I'd already "ruined" my diet for the whole weekend anyway, and since I was still "celebrating" my long-wished-for marital termination, a hurdle I've been trying to jump for three years, I may as well go in the kitchen and get the "bad food" out of the house, so I could start fresh on my diet with no temptations to deal with. This illogical thinking resulted in the following for dinner: About half of a half-gallon of mint swirl ice cream, right out of the carton (I didn't even expel the calories to bother scooping it into a bowl). It was made with Splenda, but that really doesn't matter when you shovel the whole thing in like some kind of fat kid after a tonsilectomy, right? For dessert, since I'd already "ruined" everything, I settled on a cup of beef Top Ramen, complete with bread to dip in the broth, and finished off with some immeasurable number of servings of oyster crackers. I chased all this with Diet Mountain Dew, as if the "Diet" on the label was going to make any sort of difference. Then, I proceeded to be up and down all night, making several nauseated trips to the bathroom with my stomach twisting and turning, churning and growling like a lion with Tourette sydrome. I felt all kinds of guilty, not the least of which was after seeing a Ten Commandments monument at the courthouse that very morning, there I was worshipping the porcelain idol all night long.
I think, of all the mental gymnastics one goes through during a weight loss journey, that this is the most difficult one to conquer. I am usually quite strict in adhering to my calories, but there are these seasons when I simply fall off the wagon so hard I leave a crater when I finally get back up. This is one of those times...and isn't it nice that it all happened the day before weigh-in Wednesday!? Again, all I can do is get back onboard and try again, and I remember my mantra I made up a few months ago:
The difference between falling and failing is that "i."
"I" will try again.
"I" will not give up.
"I" will not torture myself.
"I" have come too far to turn back now.
"I" will not entirely undo what I've done.
"I" will not let a fall turn into a fail.
See? Fall vs. fail really is all about that little "i"!
Last night after I devoured the ice cream and ramen and oysters, I was scrolling through my phone, and I found the snapshot I took of a family photo that hangs in my grandma's kitchen, from their 50th wedding anniversary back in the year 2000. Everyone was worried about Y2K that year, but I remember being more worried that I couldn't find nylons to fit me under the giant skirt I had to wear, so much fabric that it could have easily provided drapes for my grandma's entire kitchen. I was likely 300 lbs. at the time, if not beyond it, and my sister wasn't exactly Twiggy either. As I looked at that picture and thought of how we look now compared to that, I realized that even when I royally screw up, I will never get to that point again. In spite of chocolate bunnies and pizza buffets and ice cream and ramen, I will never, ever let myself look that way again. I may fall, but I will not fail.
So, today, I had eggs for breakfast as I enjoyed the company of my boyfriend. For lunch, I had a Dole BBQ chopped salad, and I cracked open the Ninja Turtle egg I made this weekend and turned it into Donatello salad with light mayo, slapped it on a 60-calorie bun with a little lettuce and paprika, and washed it all down with some Diet V8 Splash. Tonight for dinner, we'll have the rest of the Dole salad, some green beans, and baked skinless chicken tenders...and all will be well in the world! Heck, I might even have enough calories left over to eat a tiny piece of that bunny's ear or four or five pink jelly beans or to have an afternoon interlude with my boyfriend in his hazelnut cologne. The one thing I won't have is ice cream, since the carton's in the trash, along with the other carnage I created last night.
The key to not giving up is simply that: Don't give up - no matter what! All is not lost till all your weight is gained back, and even if that happens, you can always take a U-turn. I am not expecting the British lady on the scale to be happy with me in the morning. I'm rather certain she's going to yell, "You are the Fattest Link!" I'm also relatively certain this weekend sabotaged my desire to hit my goal weight by April 1, but I'm not going to let April make a fool of me. On the days that really count, like holidays and celebrations, I don't count calories as much, but counting them on all the other days is what really counts! That is how I've lost the 165-170+ lbs. I've lost, it is how my sister has taken off her 115-ish lbs. and how my daughter has taken off her 70+ lbs., and that is how I will take off any I've gained and get to that goal in the end. Well, that and not buying ice cream and life-sized chocolate bunnies!