Try Again Without Judging
Monday, April 11, 2016
I was in the car, driving in circles, trying to find a store before it closed when I passed by McDonald's. I was frustrated about not finding my destination, a bit bored with my plans for the evening and feeling a bit yucky about the cold, rainy weather. I started thinking about the McDonald's drive-thru and how long it has been since I had a vanilla milkshake. Today was a total binge day anyways. I got caught in the rain, so I ate a second (although light breakfast), then "skipped" lunch because I saw these awesome cookies in a bakery window. I was hungry when I got home, so I hate a bag of chips and four pudding cups. Then, I threw some leftovers in the microwave just because--it was just one of those days when I could not stop eating and yet I still wanted more when I drove past McDonald's.
Of course, this led to a very unpleasant internal dialogue of self-hatred before I mustered up the self-control to just drive home. What is wrong with me that I keep gaining weight, even though I wake up each morning and tell myself it is going to change? At some point, a strange feeling of calm came over me. I reminded myself that I was able to lose 1-2 pounds a week by changing my eating habits and exercising more. It is LOGICAL that I would gain 1-2 pounds a week if I stopped doing those things. There is nothing wrong with my body; it is reacting exactly how I tell it to. For some reason, this gave me the self-control to keep driving and go home.
I need to stop judging my body for doing what it is supposed to do. It's been a stressful year, so I haven't made so much time to exercise and to cook. That is OK. Judging weight loss as positive and weight gain as negative does nothing to solve the problem. I need to buy new clothes that fit me, and I should not have thrown out all my bigger clothes. I need to be comfortable and look decent in my clothes today and not keep waiting for some hopeful future. I need to make more time to exercise and eat healthy, but I also need to stop being angry and hateful towards myself because I am gaining weight. Things won't get better by putting energy into judgmental thoughts, even if I am gaining two pounds a week.