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Try Again Without Judging

Monday, April 11, 2016

I was in the car, driving in circles, trying to find a store before it closed when I passed by McDonald's. I was frustrated about not finding my destination, a bit bored with my plans for the evening and feeling a bit yucky about the cold, rainy weather. I started thinking about the McDonald's drive-thru and how long it has been since I had a vanilla milkshake. Today was a total binge day anyways. I got caught in the rain, so I ate a second (although light breakfast), then "skipped" lunch because I saw these awesome cookies in a bakery window. I was hungry when I got home, so I hate a bag of chips and four pudding cups. Then, I threw some leftovers in the microwave just because--it was just one of those days when I could not stop eating and yet I still wanted more when I drove past McDonald's.

Of course, this led to a very unpleasant internal dialogue of self-hatred before I mustered up the self-control to just drive home. What is wrong with me that I keep gaining weight, even though I wake up each morning and tell myself it is going to change? At some point, a strange feeling of calm came over me. I reminded myself that I was able to lose 1-2 pounds a week by changing my eating habits and exercising more. It is LOGICAL that I would gain 1-2 pounds a week if I stopped doing those things. There is nothing wrong with my body; it is reacting exactly how I tell it to. For some reason, this gave me the self-control to keep driving and go home.

I need to stop judging my body for doing what it is supposed to do. It's been a stressful year, so I haven't made so much time to exercise and to cook. That is OK. Judging weight loss as positive and weight gain as negative does nothing to solve the problem. I need to buy new clothes that fit me, and I should not have thrown out all my bigger clothes. I need to be comfortable and look decent in my clothes today and not keep waiting for some hopeful future. I need to make more time to exercise and eat healthy, but I also need to stop being angry and hateful towards myself because I am gaining weight. Things won't get better by putting energy into judgmental thoughts, even if I am gaining two pounds a week.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Good for you. I too had to buy larger jeans and I did myself a favor by buying the same designer jeans I was wearing in a bigger size not something frumpy and "temporary". I force myself to still put on makeup and do hair just like I did thirty pounds ago......We still count. We are human and you are so right, our bodies are simply responding to what is going on. It isn't a punishable crime, it's just what it is right now. You made HUGE progress just by choosing to acknowledge that and move on. Way to go. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1791 days ago
    I love that revelation you had... your body is doing exactly what you are telling it to do. When I get in slumps (like I've been lately) and I feel like my body is fighting me, I have to sit down, review the trackers and see that like you said, my body is doing what I'm telling it to do.

    Let's keep taking those baby steps every single day. It's going to be a good week!


    1791 days ago
  • BERRY4
    emoticon It is such a challenge to choose well consistently (for me!). And that mental dialog (beating myself up) does NOT help my frame of mind.

    Your sharing your struggle is appreciated! -- I'd love to have a walking buddy if you were in the "neighborhood", but sounds like you are clearly across the "pond". emoticon

    Such a process, this baby-step journey of learning to find health and fitness in good ways!
    1791 days ago
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