Sunday, April 17, 2016
Things have been going well for a few weeks now. I have found a bit of a groove with cooking meals, and exercising and have posted losses on the scale.
Until this past week.
Despite my best efforts, I've been hungry all week, have eaten well over my calorie range every day, only exercised once and posted a 4 pound gain today.
But, I've done a ton of emotional work this week and between that and a pattern that I have discovered concerning my actual, physical hunger approximately 3-4 weeks into my last few attempts at a lifestyle change, it explains the return of the binging. This is my resistance. This is my warrior. This is me fighting with everything I have against my own desire to open up the vulnerable, shameful parts of myself again (notice that I even stopped blogging for a couple of weeks?)
This week I discovered the writings and TED Talks of Brene Brown. A friend recommended her to me when I was going through my breakup over Christmas. My first, knee-jerk response to anything I consider a "self-help" book is: I don't need that crap. I'm fine. But I had made a resolution to myself this year to try not to turn down the assistance and guidance from friends who were giving advice from a place of good intention, so I checked "Rising Strong" out of the library and dived in.
12 years of psychotherapy and the concepts in this book have just laid bare my entire struggle with vulnerability, shame, weight gain, numbing, addiction, self-righteousness, blame, anger, resentment and worthiness. I laughed out loud, I sobbed, I got angry and confused, and now I'm in a wholly new place of self-awareness and I'm trying to figure out what to do with it.
So naturally, I forced myself to go out to a new bar last night with some acquaintances, got super drunk, and then came home and ate almost the entire contents of my fridge at 3am before passing out without removing my makeup or brushing my teeth. This is the ugly and shameful picture of me fighting back. My warrior isn't exactly pretty :)
And now all I'm realizing is that since my warrior has charged into battle, it has become increasingly hard to stay the original course, turn the direction back around and get back on track.
Step 1: Drink water. Drink lots and lots and lots of water.
Step 2: No way in hell we're skipping the run today. Even though everything in me wants to veg on the couch until it's too late.
Step 3: Drop the tough love. Acknowledge and recognize how hard it is to reign in the warrior. And whatever I do, don't be judgemental about what happened last night. I did my best. I got out of the house. And I made important connections for my business and personal wellbeing. It was a good night with a minor attached set-back.
I'm not sure if the warrior has ever really served me well. I know she is part of me and I know why I have felt as though I have needed her in the past. When life gets me down, when I feel nervous, afraid, vulnerable and overall, when I'm being overly judgemental of myself, I come out swinging. But I have fought so hard to defend my castle that I have created for myself an impenetrable fortress that keeps everyone out. Sometimes I enjoy the quiet, but at this point, I'm starting to recognize how lonely it is with only the food to keep me company. And that's no way to live.
So I am speaking my shame, I'm opening up and setting to work on breaking down the fortress again, and I'm trying to be kinder to myself in the process.
Let's see if I can have a better week this week.