Today, I Changed my Life, Because I DESERVE it!
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
**** Sorry for the long winded post, but this is something I need to get off my chest.*****
I just wanted to let everyone know that today, my real journey officially started.
Yes, I quit smoking at the start of 2016. Yes, I have been swimming twice a week, as often as I can (sometimes due to work, I can only make it once a week). Yes, I have been more conscious about what I eat, how much I eat, and trying new things. Yes, I have been drinking more water, and I started a 30 day beginner challenge with a couple friends.
But none of this has really been my start. This has all been a lead up to today.
I had my birthday party this weekend, as my birthday was on Friday. Friday, I pigged out and enjoyed a donair. It has been a long time, and I figured it was worth it. As good as it tasted, it ruined my evening and I felt like crap, and didn't even make it out to play pool, as was the plan!
So Saturday, I had a party. If anyone has attended one of my parties, they can attest to me making an abundance of food for everyone.
I try to make it as healthy and appetizing as I possibly can.
So I had a very large veggie tray with ranch dressing, a fruit tray with caramel dip (all homemade, btw), cheese/crackers/pepperoni tray, and a fantastic salsa/cream cheese/sour cream dip with cheese and topped with green onion. Served with tortilla chips.
Not the most healthiest, nor the worst types of food ever.
I figured I would pig out, as I usually do. I ended up with maybe a small portion of the chips and dip, a few cracker "sandwiches" and I ate some fruit (only two strawberries with the caramel dip tho!) and mostly veggies.
I might have had a small plate full, by the end of it (and this was my supper as well).
I am glad I didn't pig out like I thought I would!
Sunday, I made breakfast sandwiches done in my cast iron skillet. Not the healthiest, but they are only sitting at about 400 calories and was a perfect pick me up after a night of partying (also my favorite breakfast ever!). I made a chicken dinner with all the trimmings for supper. We had company for the weekend.
I thought I would eat a lot of that. I didn't. I ate more carrots and peas than anything else. I did well on my portion control. Was tasty, and I kept within my daily calories, as outlined on my SparkPeople page. (1200-1550 daily calories).
So to move on to why today is my real start.
I woke up in a great mood. Earlier than normal- I made my son his breakfast, packed his lunch, and got him out the door.
Had my morning coffee, and sat back to enjoy the last hour or so of company that ended up leaving today.
After they left, I jumped in the shower, and when I got out, I saw myself in the mirror and started bawling.
I don't ever cry, so my bawling is not like actual bawling. But there were tears. This is hard for me to admit.
I hated what I saw. I saw someone who is not me. I saw a stranger in the mirror.
I saw someone I didn't recognize, as I normally have such a good handle on myself.
I know I cannot help the health problems that came with having a child. I know I cannot help the fact that I have had to endure 12 surgeries since he was born. I know I cannot help the fact that my health went downhill or the fact that I felt horrible for the past 8/9 years.
I know all this, and I still berate myself for it.
My body feels much older than it is. I am tired of having sore feet, a sore back (although due to a car accident, that will never go away). I am tired of my knees hurting, and feeling the stress on every part of me. I am tired of how it is affecting my mind, and that it is holding me back from living my life the way I am supposed to.
I have had enough. I cannot do this anymore.
So today, my journey really begins.
Today, I will be changing everything.
Today, I pulled my bike out of the shed, got it ready, and biked for a half hour. It has been since before I got pregnant, the last time I really enjoyed a bike trip.
Today, I have been drinking a lot more water.
Today, I turned down chips.
Today, I change my outlook on life, for real.
Today, my eyes have been opened to the fact that I have to change this.
Today I realize just how much I need this, and how much I deserve this.
Today, I change my world.
Tomorrow, I will be biking.
Tomorrow, I will be swimming.
Tomorrow I will be watching what I eat.
Two weeks from today, I start back to the gym.
This time next year, I will be me again. The real me. The confident me. The one who has energy.
The one who I know is still here, even though it's hidden.
The one that has been suffering in silence for too long.
Today, I have made a pact with myself to bring myself back.
Today, my real life has begun.