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My Cups No Longer Runneth Over

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Sunday, May 01, 2016


This morning while getting ready for church, I was perusing my sock and hose drawer, which is, for all intents and purposes the most jam-packed of my drawers, because I have some weird addiction to very long socks. I'm assuming this has something to do with that old bit about turning into my mother. When I was a kid, we used to secretly make fun of her trademark crazy-patterned knee socks. These days, I have some pretty wild ones myself, including a leg-length Tardis and a pair that looks as if Jaws is eating my leg. Not only that, but I actually found myself sitting on the sofa Saturday with my teal and brown tartans sticking out of my jeans and Mom's old HOT SOX album playing in my stereo. I grew up listening to her records and 8-tracks, so Sha Na Na is still a love of mine, and I had a mad crush on Bowzer. Yep, that's it. I'm turning into my mother! (But I don't take it as an insult because she was amazing and is still dearly missed till I see her again. I'm sure she's polishing the golden streets with some sort of paisley footwear right this moment!)


Why am I talking about my hot socks though? Because in getting dressed for church today, I found a pair of very artsy (my daughter calls them "old lady") tights down in the bottom of the drawer, still new in their package. They are also quite crazy, sort of a paisley pattern of their own, which might have been what landed them on a clearance rack when I bought them a while ago. Nevertheless, I looked at the size and was certain that even hovering around my goal, I wouldn't be able to squeeze into them. Lo and behold, I did! They easily slid right up my feet and all the way up to give me a nice little nylon tummy tuck, and I was thrilled to wear them on what will likely be the last boots/sweater/tights day of the year, thanks to the return of the glowing orb of death. (I am NOT a summer person, which makes it a good thing that my name is that of another season, when walking outdoors does not melt one's flesh.)


Why am I talking about nylons though? Because there is something I want every Sparkie to know (and if you know this already, my apologies!): Certain areas of your body are going to shrink a whole lot quicker than others. Unfortunately, while we may be able to exercise and tone certain areas, the ones we desperately want to reshape tend to take the longest. To put it lightly (or heavily, actually), I used to joke that the only guy who ever wrote a song about me was Sir Mix-a-lot. I didn't just have back though. I had an entire back forty! I could use my tummy for a lap desk for the majority of my weight-loss season, and I had more cottage cheese in certain areas than a lasagne built for ten. Now, let me quit sock monkeying around and get to the point...


One of the first places I lost weight was in my feet and ankles. I noticed this rather quickly when the ankle bracelet I used to wear, which looked like a choker on my leg, suddenly began falling off of me, and my Size 11 shoes were so big on me that I had to stuff one of those crazy socks in the toe just to wear them. Did I WANT to lose a shoe size? No way, because what girl wants to get RID of a single pair of shoes? Not this one! I WANTED to lose a jeans size. Who's looking at my feet anyway? I will say that I'm glad I can wear my spiky heels without dying, though, so that's a plus. Plus, my OTK (over-the-knee) socks are now actually true to their name, instead of just being BOTC (barely over the cankles) socks, and I can fit into all those clearance tights so I can embarrass my daughter with my weird fashion sense in legwear!.


For you ladies out there, be aware that you may go from melons to skeeter bites. It's true! I won't go into sizes here, but I will say that my cups no longer runneth over as they once did. The girls were the second thing to go, and they went pretty quick. It didn't really bother me, except for the expense of having to buy new over-the-shoulder-boulder-hold
ers, since my boulders had pretty much morphed into mere stones.


Another surprising place I quickly lost weight was in my hands. Yep, my hands! I didn't even realize I had sausage fingers before, in spite of my skill for using them to eat far more than my fair share of things like sausage. I only discovered this recently, while shopping for my daughter's class ring. I pulled my old Shawnee Braves c/o 1988 relic out of the neglected back corner of my jewelry box to show her. I was sure it wouldn't even fit my pinky, because several years ago, I couldn't wear it at all. I was shocked to find that it actually fell off my ring finger for being too loose! I'm not in the habit of giving anyone the finger, but if I did these days, that old ring would even slip off my middle one! Who knew weight loss could be so...handy?


Finally, there's my face. As I went through the many stages of weight loss, I really did struggle to recognize myself in the mirror. Sure, my eyes are still brown. Sure, I still have that weird bump on one side of my nose and that annoying red blemish on my one cheek that's been there forever. Sure, I still have my crooked teeth and my purple one left over from a 1990s roller-skating collision while trying to fast-skate to Coolio (No, it was NOT a "Fantastic Voyage" to try to leap over a fallen child, only to discover that my skate lace was untied, which sent me hurtling into one of those toadstool-looking changing seats, nearly knocking me unconscious and permanently damaging my front tooth). In spite of all these lifelong features, though, my face has changed a lot in the last two years--and I'm not just talking about the forty-something wrinkles. I have been told by many that I look like an entirely different person, and I take that as a compliment, because I wasn't much a fan of the four-chinned Shrek who used to look back at me from the mirror.


If you're trying to lose weight, and you want certain areas to go through some major landscaping, don't give up. Your body is under major renovations, and things will be done in a certain order. It took me a long time to find my waist again and an even longer time to not take up three seats in the church pew, but I stuck with it, and so should you! In time, your efforts will have you footloose and cankle free!
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