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Saturday, May 28, 2016

I started out this day feeling much the same as yesterday. I felt very low and defeated. I felt like everything that was wrong in the world was basically my fault. Maybe a little background information is in order. I am a single mother of 3 girls. My oldest (age 18) and my youngest (age 11) live with me. When my ex and I lived together, everything that went wrong was somehow my fault. His parents seemed to think the same thing. I did not have to understand it, but whenever their basement flooded, it was somehow my fault. Oh, and I should not have called when they were so busy trying to pump the water out. Never mind that I did not even know that they were having water problems.

Yesterday morning, I needed to use the van that my ex's father keeps in my driveway to take my middle daughter to town, about a half hour's drive away. I found that the battery was dead. I called my ex, as my middle daughter lives with him, and told him the problem. I was growled at over the phone. You know, whatever. He wants to be like that, fine. That is why he is an ex. I thought, maybe I should call his father, after all, it is his van. I was informed that maybe he should keep his vehicle in his driveway so he can keep it in running order. Really??? It is a dead battery. I had told him that no lights were left on or anything. Somehow, it was my fault.

This put me in a really low mood. Getting it from one person was bad enough, but two people? I guess on some level, I started to believe them. It is kind of funny how a person's mind works. When we hear something often enough, we start to believe it. People tell us that we are overweight, we are fat, we are being stupid, or silly, or we are just not good enough. We hear it every day, or close to it. We know that we aren't, right? Why do they keep saying it? Maybe we are what they say? Are we? Then, maybe we are overweight, or fat, or stupid, or silly, or just not good enough. There. They are right. We are just not good enough to be able to change. Well, there goes your self-esteem. We are feeling lower than low. This is how I was feeling yesterday and again this morning.

I was tired of feeling low and upset this morning. I decided to google how to feel better when upset. I found a wonderful website about loving yourself. It is called galadarling.com. After reading some of the articles on this site, I started to realize something. Could it be? Could my ex and his father be ... dare I think it? Could they be ... wrong? Could I really be good enough? Ok. I know that I need to lose weight, for health reasons, but could that really be okay? I thought, maybe I could test something, to see if she really knew what she was talking about. Well, I was feeling low and upset. There was a list of 100 things that you can do when you are feeling upset to help yourself feel better. I only had a few minutes, so I decided to try the one about singing the alphabet while brushing your teeth vigorously. I sounded so funny that I ended up laughing. My youngest thought that I was losing my mind. I definitely felt better. You know, if she was right about that one thing, maybe she was right about other things as well.

In another article on that site, she mentioned that we are all awesome. She is able to support her reasoning that we are not just doing okay, that we are, in fact, awesome. Why do we treat our friends better than ourselves? Why are our opinions less worthy than those of other people? Look at what you have lived through. Look at your past. If it is anything like mine, it was not pretty. Face it. Life is hard. You, my dear, have survived everything that life has thrown at you. You think that after going through all of that crap that you are just okay? No. You are better than just okay. You are awesome! We are all awesome! Congratulations! You are a whole lot better than you thought you were. Now, get out there and show the world just how awesome you really are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. After all, you know you better than they know you.
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