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Wednesday, June 29, 2016

So I broke down (which I assume will happen kind of often as I work through this depression crap) and bawled my eyes out in the shower the other night. I am having some break out issues in my 'pelvis area' if you know what I mean, which fyi is really common with obese people. Annnd will go away as I lose weight (for those of you who suffer from this, good news for you! And yet another reason to keep pushing!).... but this breakout in particular is worse than I've had it in a long time, some painful hair follicle cysts I'm trying to leave alone until they are ready or clear up. I was trying to soak in some hot water I the bath tub and I am so fat that the water cannot get to the area I needed it to without me literally grabbing my thighs and pulling them apart. It was like hitting the F-you button in my brain and yet another horrible reality check of where I am right now. So I cried. I cried until my face ached and it hurt, and kept crying. Then I cleaned myself up, dried off and got ready for bed. My husband came in to ask me how I was (our marriage is kind of in a bad place now, so this a little out of the ordinary) and I told him I wasn't ok and he asked if I wanted him to leave me alone and instead of saying yes I said no and let him comfort me. I told him how I feel, how all this crap has affected me, told him about how some of the things he does makes me feel, etc. He listened without getting angry or defensive, without trying to tell me what I needed to do, he just listened. And that is so what I needed that night. As I was in the shower I had prayed for someone to come along side me and just be with me and hold me, and God answered that prayer for me immediately. I'm so blessed. My husband asked me yesterday if I wanted to go on a walk (again, something he never asks me to do with him, he usually just leaves and goes by himself), and I said yes. We walked around the block with our little girl and had a nice time. Today he asked me to get him hair spray so I asked for some money to buy some new makeup, mine is over a year old and causing me breakouts and my eyes to get itchy. I threw out all the old stuff, washed out my brushes really well, and got some new foundation, powder, and mascara. So today, even at 300 lbs, I feel pretty. I knew doing something like this would help lift my spirits a little bit more. And I need it. As the week has progressed I've slipped up several times with my food. But I keep going. This isn't going to be easy peasy. On a positive note, I HAVE stopped myself a few nights when a binge seemed imminent. It was probably too late to save me from going over my calories range but I have to say that I DID STOP. And that counts for something. That is progress. For exercise I have gone walking and went bowling the other day. It feels good to move my body. I hope after dinner to walk down to the park with my daughter. I have also decided I will force myself to set aside some money to pay for therapy. I read a book last week that convinced me I can't do this without help, and one of the biggest reasons I am back here is because I haven't dealt with the sexual abuse, sin, and the physical and emotional abuse I've endured since I was 14 years old. I thought time could heal, but while I was reading this book the guy listed the characteristics and problems a person who has been through this stuff has, and to my surprise, I heard him describe myself. I was listening to this book while driving down the road and the tears were hard to hold back. Slam! Another reality check. Jesus must really love me because he has been slamming me a lot the past week. Wake up, Danielle! This is your life! Live it!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon I am so glad that we can pray and God will give us what we need. Good luck to you.
    1619 days ago
    You're doing great! Any steps you take are changes that you weren't doing before. I'm proud of you! I justed started today & understand the "Binge Demon" (BD). Try not to get down with missteps. You're learning & smart to get help! Good Luck! ☺
    1619 days ago
    You are really loved by GOD! YOU are HIS child! Healing does take time, but it also takes work, step by step. You can do it! I am happy to cheer you on. Having (and still am physically) been there spiritually with the sexual abuse crap.
    1619 days ago
    God be with you always. Try meditation and yoga stretches. And you look beautiful ☺☺
    1619 days ago
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