Riding the emotional roller coaster and various thoughts...

Days and nights of ups and downs... Refinancing and figuring out what's best is hard when one is not business minded by nature. Changes scare me. We will never burn the mortgage on this house. We had it paid for once and refinanced to put two more children through school... The kids are using their educations well and that is a blessing. But always making a house payment is hard. I'm tired of paying, paying, paying. I like my house even though it is full of clutter and needs work, but it's too big for just the two of us, and yet my husband doesn't want to downsize. My feelings run the gamut. Some days I don't want to be here at all, but then I don't know where else I want to be either...There's a lot of work here. Two acres of grass to mow and flowers to tend,the American dream, but it's oversized and yet it's home... I think if even one of the kids lived nearby it would make such a big difference, but reality is that a couple of them live two hours away and the other three are days away in different parts of the country. I miss them. They call and we talk, but it's not the same as being nearby. They have families of their own and that's as it should be... They love us and one another and that is a blessing. This rural area where we live has families that are 100 years on the same farm with family surrounding them. We have a few neighbors, but they work or are away. Some days I look outside and see empty houses while their owners are at work or away or closed up inside. Of course it has been blazing hot this summer and air conditioning is a blessing too. We are all inside taking advantage of the cool air when the temperature is over the top and the humidity is too.

When the kids were home and growing up we had other kids in and kids' activities to attend. The kids made some lasting friendships. Our oldest was just home for the weekend attending her 30th high school reunion. But my husband and I don't seem to have friends that call or come over. Some of them have moved away following their children to the city so they can be close to their grandchildren. Others spend the winter as snowbirds and some of them have passed on as happens when your friends age and get sick. It is the circle of life, and I miss them too.

I got an appointment at last to have patch testing done before my knee replacement surgery can be scheduled. They will test me for dermatology compatibility to the metals and glues they will use. I have lots of allergies so that why the tests will be done. It has taken weeks to get these appointments. My husband will have a total knee replacement on August 4th. My appointments are 10 days following his surgery and I will make the dates work somehow, although I have a two hour trip to make to get to the testing site at the university. I hope he does well and that I can manage to help him through the recovery and rehab. He decided to start using a walker at home instead of his can so he can keep his back straight. He has a bulging disc as well, but the knees are bone on bone. So we have surgery coming up and the worry that goes with having a loved one in the hospital.

I had a rough day yesterday emotionally, and made myself physically sick last night with a headache and stomach pain. I tossed and turned all night and couldn't sleep. I've had too many days with a quivering stomach which is the result of negative thoughts racing through my mind, and I need to get this reaction to the stresses in my life under control. I'm working on it, and when I feel well physically my thoughts and attitude are so much improved. But when my knees hurt, and I watch my husband in pain with his knees, and when I'm worried about finances and a multitude of other things the negative thoughts so often win out. I'm seeing my therapist again tomorrow with lots to talk about and think about, and work through. I'm grateful for a good therapist who keeps me on task and helps me sort through my stresses. I'm expecting a much better night tonight and a good sleep. Good night all.