Working out from the inside out
Saturday, August 06, 2016
I always feel guilty coming back here to share after i fall off "the wagon." But after reading my last blog post i actually can say even after that failing at eating well and working out i have at least made progress in some of my mental health goals. I did actually follow through and find a therapist who i feel is a good fit for me. After only one appointment, she had great insight into my mind and what i need to strive for to find myself again. Coming to grips with how serious my depression has become has not been easy for me. I get so used to feeling bad all the time that i have become comfortable with it. I think though, as i work on myself inside, my outside will start to follow. She thinks, and i agree, that i wont find success in weight loss until i work on healing some first. Its a little disheartening, but trying and failing over and over again with losing weight at this point is only pulling me further down. Maybe after i find some tools for coping with the stress that makes me want to binge and overeat will give me strength to finally make some real progress with weight loss.
As i drove last night doing my deliveries, i felt compelled to turn off the radio and drive in silence a while. I spoke with God and came clean about the sin i have been struggling with. I havent been a very warm or loving wife and mother. I have hurt my family. I havent had patience with my husband and have held him responsible for my own mistakes. Also not easy to face and confess. I have this emptiness inside me that i keep trying to fill up, and nothing here in the world is enough to fill it. I need Him. His grace. His love. His forgiveness. He will make me brave. He will give me willpower. But first i have to be willing to get out of my own way.
He told me that I need to go to my husband and take back some of the demands i put on him. Demands that in hindsight are too much for any human being to bear. Im so afraid to do this because i fear i will be rejected by my husband. Its not the first time ive apologized and tried to make things different, and in the past i have failed. It wouldnt surprise me if he didnt really take me seriously. I kind of deserve it. But i have to just say it and be ok with however he reacts.
Im so tired of fighting. Im there, ive hit some kind of end. I'm giving these things to Jesus. So much fear. So much bitterness. So much anger. Lord help me.