Wednesday, August 31, 2016
Yesterday was a big day for me emotionally. I signed the consent forms at school for my son to be evaluated due to behavior issues we have been working on the last few years. It was a big moment, finally reaching that point. I am relieved to know that he is going to receive the extra help he needs at school, to hopefully learn aome new tools myself so that I can be a better mother and help him help himself more. I am so thankful for the amazing staff at his school and how much they really love and care about his future. In light of all that it was a little bittersweet, leaving me a little sad that he needs these extra measures to excel. I think that sadness comes from a lot of guilt at not being a good enough parent to help him. A little more than a year ago I sort of hit rock bottom and stayed there a while... wallowing in self pity at the state of my life, my marriage, my failures. And I've lived there. Amd yesterday kind of woke me up to the fact that I have been disengaged and it's hurting my kids. Maybe things wouldn't be any different with him at school if I hadn't gotten so apathetic, but maybe they would have. I can't know for sure, but what I do know is that my children will suffer if I remain in my sad hole. A few months ago I started making little changes and started making the climb. I'm moving again, even though its been slow. My husband isn't happy with my progress, and I'm struggling at dealing with his almost constand criticism anddisappointment. Regardless, I'm going ro keep trying. And i wont stop until I can find joy again. For my sake, for my children's sake. I'm gonna keep moving and keep climbing. No matter how much some days I feel like giving up.