Sunday, October 02, 2016
I used to think that my weight loss journey was one that I had to take on my own. It ws my own battle with my mind and my body. I used to think it was a long and lonely journey, full of self doubt and hatred...of myself and the fat hideous blob that I have become. At least that what others had led me to believe.
So I struggled and I cried each time I failed, and every time that I didn't meet someone's expectations I ate my feelings!!! Then I ate their feelings...and I just kept on that vicious cycle. Some people would tell me because they loved me and they cared, but it didn't feel that way. It felt like n attack...personal and harsh. Some people were just being harsh and completely not personal. Some people were just oblivious.
My self esteem took a hit every time that I failed and yet I still went for people who were out of my league. Most of the time because I needed the rejection.
When I met my boyfriend now, i was in a bad place and I needed that rejection most. He never gave it to me...instead he has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
When I started this weight loss journey this last time, I cried so bad when I got stuck and he saw how hard it was for me...so he made me a deal...he said he would workout with me 6days a week. And he has. Not because he is tired of looking at me this way. He loves my body...but because of the way I hate myself.
Today, the one day that my boyfriend has off, he asked me what I wanted to do (knowing today was my cheat day). I said i wanted to get up make chex mix and puppy chow and brownies and fudge, then I wanted to go to Jersey Mike's and get a hoagie then find a walking trail and go for a nice hike....so what DID we ACTUALLY do?? Well I got up and made chex mix. Then we went to Jersey Mike's got a regular sub and went for a 2 mile hike...I feel this is so much better than sitting at home on the couch doing nothing with a day off. My son got to be outside I got to fall in love with myself and my boyfriend a little more for the man that he is and the father he is becoming.
Today my heart was so full that if I died today I would die happy. I try to be healthy for my son. I want to be here when he gets old. I want to share all of his firsts with him....or most. I want to be there when his first child is born and see my grandchildren. I want to see the man that I have raised!!! But I have seen a lot of death in my life and lost a lot of people along the way. I try to live each day as it were my last and have no regrets.
I may not be the thinnest around. I may not be the most beautiful, but to my son I am the best mother I could be and to my boyfriend I am the girl he always wished for...how could I ask for more?