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LUCASMOM2016
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Relationship goals....

Sunday, October 02, 2016

I used to think that my weight loss journey was one that I had to take on my own. It ws my own battle with my mind and my body. I used to think it was a long and lonely journey, full of self doubt and hatred...of myself and the fat hideous blob that I have become. At least that what others had led me to believe. So I struggled and I cried each time I failed, and every time that I didn't meet someone's expectations I ate my feelings!!! Then I ate their feelings...and I just kept on that vicious cycle. Some people would tell me because they loved me and they cared, but it didn't feel that way. It felt like n attack...personal and harsh. Some people were just being harsh and completely not personal. Some people were just oblivious. My self esteem took a hit every time that I failed and yet I still went for people who were out of my league. Most of the time because I needed the rejection. When I met my boyfriend now, i was in a bad place and I needed that rejection most. He never gave it to me...instead he has turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me. When I started this weight loss journey this last time, I cried so bad when I got stuck and he saw how hard it was for me...so he made me a deal...he said he would workout with me 6days a week. And he has. Not because he is tired of looking at me this way. He loves my body...but because of the way I hate myself. Today, the one day that my boyfriend has off, he asked me what I wanted to do (knowing today was my cheat day). I said i wanted to get up make chex mix and puppy chow and brownies and fudge, then I wanted to go to Jersey Mike's and get a hoagie then find a walking trail and go for a nice hike....so what DID we ACTUALLY do?? Well I got up and made chex mix. Then we went to Jersey Mike's got a regular sub and went for a 2 mile hike...I feel this is so much better than sitting at home on the couch doing nothing with a day off. My son got to be outside I got to fall in love with myself and my boyfriend a little more for the man that he is and the father he is becoming. Today my heart was so full that if I died today I would die happy. I try to be healthy for my son. I want to be here when he gets old. I want to share all of his firsts with him....or most. I want to be there when his first child is born and see my grandchildren. I want to see the man that I have raised!!! But I have seen a lot of death in my life and lost a lot of people along the way. I try to live each day as it were my last and have no regrets. I may not be the thinnest around. I may not be the most beautiful, but to my son I am the best mother I could be and to my boyfriend I am the girl he always wished for...how could I ask for more?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • FAITHSTORY
    Brought tears to my eyes. I am so glad you are figuring all of this out. And, I am glad you have someone supporting you. That is very helpful. People no matter how much they love us though, will at times let us down. We cannot help it, because we are just imperfect people. But, the fact that you are learning to trust imperfect people, is wonderful. emoticon Your day hiking sounds wonderful!!
    1648 days ago
  • TOROP21
    Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper! The one thing I have found about finding people who support you - it is important that you return that back to them in some way.
    1650 days ago
  • MISSDORKNESS
    Oh, that's so beautiful!

    I'm so happy for you that you've got a supportive man by your side. I mean, we can make it without them, but, it's just a lot easier this way.
    1650 days ago
  • HICKOK-HALEY
    Your bf is so encouraging. Keep working on you, and the rest will fall into place.
    1650 days ago
  • LORAL81
    You sound amazing! I would be proud to call you a friend and I am so glad you found someone so amazing to share yourself with! Life is so short I'm glad you are doing this for your son and I am sure you will reach all your goals! Never stop being you
    1650 days ago
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