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Losing Dad

Sunday, October 09, 2016

My father passed away on Tuesday he was 90 in fact he had just turned 90 on Saturday.

As his dementia worsened and he was falling just about every other week my step mother made the decision to put him in the nursing home about two years ago. About a year ago my step mother had a major stroke and is now in a nursing home herself.

I didn't have a good relationship with my father. He was not a very loving or supportive man in fact he treated us kids as if we were a burden. My relationship with his wife was friendly but distant.

I was my Fathers POA I had signed this paperwork about 20 or so years ago and was really not sure what it entailed. This last year I have deeply regretted signing that paperwork but with all of my siblings scatted all over and everyone of them more estranged then the next I was the only logical choice.

The last year I have watched as his dementia got worse. Watched him slowly forget who I was and when prompted by a nurse he took one look at me and said "she's nobody ". I watched him become violent and ugly toward the nursing staff. I took dozens and dozens of calls all times of day a night. He fell, he's in the hospital, he has the flu, he has pneumonia, he fell again... on and on.

No call was more shocking then the last call I received on Monday. They told me I need to get there soon, soon? I was just there Saturday and he seemed ok. And by Tuesday morning he was gone. But I was able to tell him I was sorry, that I wished I had done a better job and that I forgave him and that I loved him. It was one of the most precious moments of my life.

I no longer regret signing the paperwork of course it's easy to say that now since its over. It was rough, it was at times a burden but it was an experience I have grown from and that has forever changed me.

I still check my phone several times a day and especially during the middle of the night since that seemed to be when most of the calls came. I can't seem to relax. I guess I will in time.

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