Monday, October 24, 2016
This may not make sense to all, and it may make too much sense to others. I have finally figured out why I am so fat and why I stay this way. It hit me in the face today like I huge brick!!!
When I was smaller, the only dream I ever had was to be a mom. The only job I wanted was a stay at home mom. When I was 17 this didn't look like such a dream. It was a soon to be reality, with the love of my life. We enlisted in the military, we wanted to get married and start a family while living our lives abroad. Within our first year of the military we got pregnant. He passed away and I Mc at 17weeks. However I still had the military and just worked harder into it.
Later down the road, when I was 21 I again got pregnant. It wasn't a healthy relationship and my labor was induced by onset trauma. My daughter was born and died 5 minutes later. I didn't know what to do. The following week my father died and I shut down. I didn't do anything except eat and sleep for 6 weeks. I lived on a second floor apartment and I never left. I felt so empty and lonely. I felt like I had failed my little girl. I was supposed to protect her...I was supposed to keep her safe. I knew that this was not the truth but I felt full heartedly like I had killed my little girl. At the end of the 6 weeks, my mom came and saved me from myself. I pulled myself together and put my everything into work. The weight just stayed.
When I was 23, I met a man who I thought I'd be with forever. We had the most amazing first month...and I held on to that for what now seems forever. He cheated on me after I helped him go after his dreams. I fought for the relationship and he fought to be out of it. However he later stayed and 2 years later asked me to marry him. My self esteem was so low and I hated myself so much...but he seemed like something I could hold on to. I could love him enough for the both of us. We were married the next year. We had been trying to have a child for 2 years previous with no results so we got married very hastily in our living room so I could have health insurance and we could start fertility training.
We tried everything for the next 4 years. Our marriage started to crumble. He started sleeping with the next door neighbor and I wanted out. I just kept gaining...and gaining...and feeling horrible. The day I decided I wanted out I took a shower and the water hit my boobs...I wanted to jump out of the shower. I was pregnant. I told my husband and he said...our relationship isn't in the best place. Don't you think we should get an abortion...I left the following week.
I now went from anxiety about trying to conceive to anxiety about losing the baby that was growing inside me. I had lost everything else that I ever loved. I didn't want to lose this either. My pregnancy was hard and I was high risk the whole time. My now ex husband told me all the time he was going to take the baby from me as soon as it was born.
Because of a medical condition I have, I actually lost 30 pounds while I was pregnant. I have since found the man of my dreams and we raise our son together. He is my best friend and he is our sons biggest hero.
I am the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. I have a beautiful boy and the best boyfriend in the whole world and I've decided to get healthy for my family .
Recently we have decided to try and have a second child. Now, all those old anxieties are back. I have an app all about ovulation and my menstrual cycle and I feel everything I felt before. He wants another baby so bad. I want a baby so badly and I am so afraid that after everything he has given me, that I won't be able to give him the one thing he has me for.
I'm getting myself all worked up and it's only the first month trying to concieve. For the past few days I have been so nauseated and hormonal and keep praying for a positive test...no luck and today I got my period. I'm so upset I just want to give up everything.
Sorry it's so long and depressing. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal happy self here soon. Stick with me.