I was rereading my blogs from the beginning (I didn't used to blog very often, it seems) and I found one titled "42 paperclips" dated Tuesday, September 12, 2006.
I went from a very fit 142 pounds to a very non-fit 182 in the three years between '96 & '99. *no excuses*
When I first began trying to become a fitter, healthier person I started a paperclip chain. I added one every time I lost another pound and took them off when I regained. I found it helpful to have a visual reminder. I cannot count the times (or explain the disappointment) that I had to take clips off because I slipped.
Today Logan was counting them and said "42". My heart fluttered. It's been a long, long journey full of stops and starts, periods of comfort, and bouts of frustration. I have been very lucky to have found the love & support of someone who never saw the "fat" me, only the woman he loves. With him beside me, and the encouragement of my sons & friends, I've lost all of the weight that I gained while I was pregnant with Colin as well as what I gained in the year following Logan's birth. Plus a smidge more.
My goals when I started (forgive me if I'm repeating myself) were to be able to run the length of a soccer field and to have my thighs stop rubbing together. Since then, I've gone from getting winded walking the stairs to do laundry to running 5, 10 & 22 kms at a time. :o) I've reached my goals.
But I'm not done yet.
So here are a couple things that I realized today(ish):
1) That guy, he really didn't love the fit me. He loved the security of having me overweight because I couldn't/wouldn't hurt him if I was busy hurting myself with negativity and low self-esteem. As I got closer to goal, he filled the house with more temptations. Good news, he's gone now.
2) I'm only two paperclips ahead of where I was in 2006 but I'm at the same activity/motivation level I was at that time. In short, low and not.
3) The only person that I can blame for either of these feelings is "me". Although it's rare that I feel truly supported or motivational, I know that it's in my head. (mostly)
Yesterday, I prepared my salads for 5 days. Today, I have to figure out a breakfast, snack and dinner that will complement that. Easy peasy, right?
I love doing what I do. I just hate the prepwork involved. I love setting a goal for exercise (bike ride/half marathon) but I don't like the training. Sad, but true.