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Tuesday Check in 2.15.17

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Good morning Charles

my fasting sugar is 108 this morning. After a long discussion with my higher power I realized that I am not even close to being truly abstinent
Its very wishy washy on the food because I am still making my own choices, I am not eating binge foods but I am not living clean either.

I need to tighten up my food list because I am still playing games with myself

I am adding fruit juice to my list of binge foods

I am adding processed foods to my list of binge foods

I am adding 5 hour energy drinks to my list of binge foods

I am adding anything that contains high fructose corn syrup to my list of binge foods

It's not just the food, that is the least of my issues at this point. I am not doing my daily 10th steps like you suggest, I can't even tell you why not. Its not a will full disobediance thing, I have no issue doing them. Most of the time its a snap judgement, or flash of anger thing that goes away and I realize that I am acting crazy, but I guess that train of thought comes down to self knowledge doesn't it?

I am going to pray for the strength to do daily 10th steps as you suggest

I also need to craft a sex ideal that I stick to, which leads me to another thought which is stressing me out. Last week my therapist had suggested perhaps I need to take a year and really focus on myself, no serious dating, no sex. Focus on what I need to do to be healthy on all levels. Part of this is appealing to me, and part of it scares the hell out of me. i guess this would be a really good point to stop and do a 10th step for fear.

I am afraid of taking the suggestion of no dating or sex for a year, I am afraid because relationships and sex are such a huge part of my life, of making me feel "ok" the thought of putting that down terrifies me.

I have relied on

and all these things have failed me.

This affects my self-esteem and my pride because having someone desire me or find me attractive drives how I feel about myself and not having that scares me. It affects my emotional security because how others view me is tied into how I view myself, again not having that scares me.

it affects my personl relations because most of the time I am looking and needing acceptance and approval from others, and it affects my sex relations because sex has always been there to comfort me.

God please remove my fear of not dating or having sex for at least a year and direct my attention to what you would have me be. You would have me be a smart, capable man who loves himself and is strong and healthy mentally, physically and emotionally. Amen

I called someone and 10th stepped this on the spot ;)

I am going to take my therapists suggestion and not seriously date or sleep with anyone for a year. I am going to build my relationship with my higher power and myself, build my program so that its rock solid abstinence, and get fully healthy mind, body and spirit. I am going to find recovery and peace in my life.

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