Trying to dress the body I have
Monday, May 08, 2017
We have a busy year coming up. We have had the first of three nieces/nephews get married, and we have another 4 non-family weddings, and more graduation parties than I want to think about. I hate my body, I hate dresses, I hate shopping. That is a lot of hate, isn't it? For the first wedding, I was determined that I would wear something that I already owned. I would NOT make the frantic dash to the store where I would grab one of everything, in multiple sizes, and fill a dressing room with clothes that I didn't want. I have never had a good body image, even when I was thin. And I used to be pretty thin. I now have to mentally prepare myself to go shopping. I will literally be in a state of depression when it is over, and I will come home with some over-priced clothes that I don't even like, and probably a milk shake. I told my husband that I was going to wear something from the closet, I didn't have the energy for the trying on clothes marathon. Well, I tried. I really tried. But nothing fit well, at all. So, I made the mad dash to the store. I came home with a few things, and a so-so dress. Luckily it was chilly, so I could cover up most of the dress with a long sweater. Good enough. This weekend our godson is getting married. Ugh. I love him dearly, but this will require another dress, and photos. Ugh. So, for this wedding, I did my shopping on the internet. I could at least try the dresses on in my own home, and not in front of those horrible dressing room mirrors. I found one that will pass, three that need to go back, and more disgust. I have known about these events for some time. I have had lots of time to lose weight. I just didn't do it. I am riding this awful roller coaster of weight gain, weight loss, and it makes me sick. I have months to go on this ride. I am trying to look at myself with kinder eyes, and I am trying to eat better. I know that even a 10 pound loss would help a lot. I am tired of spending money on clothes that I don't like, and I am tired of the roller coaster. I am trying to dress the body I have, and I am trying to make peace with the fact that my body is not going to change unless I change. Change is hard, but living with my weight is hard too. I will keep trying, and as long as I don't quit trying, I haven't lost yet.