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Day 318: I'm back and I'm ashamed! :(

Thursday, June 15, 2017

So life got insanely busy and frustrating about two months back and I decided that I just couldn't Spark anymore. I didn't have the time and I surely didn't feel that I had anything positive to offer anyone anymore. I just kept packing on the pounds and I was getting angrier and angrier. Not a good place to be. So I took a break and dealt with things I needed to face. It was a good decision. I thought of my Spark friends and wondered if I'd come back.

Fast forward... I've been having some issues with my stomach. The doctors can't seem to get to the bottom of it. I ended up in the emergency room one day and then was sent for an endoscopy and biopsies. I hopped online today to read the reports and saw the words "body habitus" and "steatosis." I had absolutely no idea what those words meant, so of course I had to Google them and I wanted to burst into tears. They might as well have just wrote it in plain English - it was difficult for them to see what they needed to see because I am too fat. Fat is surrounding my organs to the point that they can't even check them out properly. I feel so ashamed! I guess the good part of that is the shame brought me back for help and support.

It's supposed to be so simple. Very elementary. You are fat. Move more, consume fewer calories, lose weight. Why can't I seem to conquer this?? I am so frustrated and so very embarrassed. I somehow feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time...

Thanks for reading, friends.

Snow
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