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The unbearable lightness of being

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Often in the wee hours, after everyone else in the house is safely slumbering, my restless mind dwells on imponderables. The most difficult thoughts are about the things most important to me - or I should say, the people I love most. And I find myself thinking into circles, or into a frightening place, until I calm myself with mindless eating. So, with the goal of breaking that unhealthy cycle, here I go trying to put some of those thoughts into concrete words, so that next time there will be less mental swirling and I won't be reaching for the tub of nuts.

I often think about the hub, and how easy it has been to follow through on our pledge of lifetime devotion. We have been growing old together for 25 years now, with each year speeding by more quickly than the last. I imagine our lives in a decade, then in two - and then I run out of time. I try to picture life without him, or his without me, and my mind then slips into imagining the darkness of the final nothingness, and of all our love and experiences and memories dissipating into the ether ... and it's a bit terrifying in its finality.

So then I drag my mind away to focus more happily on our kids - vessels of all our hope and adoration. I have a lot of words, but not nearly enough to describe how much I absolutely adore them. Fortunately the inadequacy of my words means that I can't stifle them with the enormity of all my ... "feels" (as the kids would say). I imagine their futures. I imagine who they will be at my age. I imagine their being as old as I, and I being long gone, and all of my thoughts and memories being lost in the past ... and once again I'm a bit overwhelmed by the finality of it all.

And then I think of my father, who died 26 years ago. I think of his memories, thoughts, hopes, fears, dreams - all lost now. I think of my mother, who has been waiting patiently to join him. I imagine how devastated I will be when her time comes, and hope it will be far off in the future. I wonder if I will have her grace if I am fortunate enough to live as long - will the end be less shatteringly grim to contemplate?

This miracle of life seems to tenuous, so fragile, so delicately precious, in my late night musings. What else is there to do but to fully embrace while we can, to make an abundance of loving memories while we are able to enjoy each other? I think of all 7+ billion of us, each with our swirling thoughts and emotions, and each with our irrevocable final, eternal destination. It's truly awesome, this being human.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • REEDSKI
    Beautifully written! 🌹
    1315 days ago
  • BUTTONPOPPER1
    Love hurts! I can certainly understand your fear and sadness. Having a daughter who was suicidal for so long sharpened my imagination. But I'm still sometimes overcome by the fact that two of my children are in Tokyo, and I just saw a couple of days ago a documentary about what's likely to happen when Tokyo gets its long-overdue earthquake. There were all these graphics, and the one showing the possible tsunami--hitting the city as quickly as five minutes after the quake--sent me over the edge. I couldn't control my fears and immediately texted my daughter Mari telling her I loved her and telling her to get to a high place if she felt a big quake. This frightened her, of course, but she'll understand someday when she has children of her own. After you become a mother, you can never be completely carefree again. But it's so worth it!

    I have always thought you have a very close, loving family. Being at home must be so comforting for you all.
    emoticon
    1320 days ago
  • no profile photo CD17528039

    This was a very beautiful blog, and to me, highlights the truth that we need to take life, and love, one day at a time.
    1331 days ago
  • KENDRACARROLL
    This can be overwhelming for sure. I try not to let my thoughts get there too often, and when they do, not to let them stay there too long. Sometimes I wonder how my parents at almost 80 feel. Do they get up every morning, wondering...?
    1331 days ago
  • FITNIK2020
    Do not let these musing rule you. Your job is to stay healthy and strong for your family and more important- yourself.
    1333 days ago
  • FITNIK2020
    Oh, I cannot tell you how many times my head has been filled with dreadful thoughts of my future and my husband's recent illness. It has been a nightmare and we are not out of the woods quite yet... I also have dark thoughts, but please do not let th
    1333 days ago
  • MISSYMCCOY
    I have alot of the same thoughts and I end up getting panic attacks thinking of my family without me or me without them . It's hard to imagine not being here anymore and it's scary. All we can do is love with all we have
    1333 days ago
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