so I have been here for years...up down and all over the place...
I have won challenges....I have gained weight on challenges
I am a emotional eater....I am still here and over weight again
Eighteen months ago my husband and I bought the dream...not quite 5acres of land with a beautiful old home on it.. it was our for ever home, a place for our special needs son to spread his wings have the animals he loves and thrive. The freedom to grow into the young man that God has created him to be.My oldest son and his family bought the home we were in and we were able to purchase the new place. We moved to a new town 31/2 hour drive from the old one to a place where we new no one to live the dream....leaving the older children in the old town as they are independent.My sons new school is a 50 k drive from here. I managed to get a job in the school by his as a teacher aid so that I don't have to hang around town all day until school is finished. Husband was still working in the old town as no job here....so the long and short of it is he called time on the marriage after 18 years he is out of it...so I am left in a new town with a special needs son and I am a emotional eater... you don't need a degree to work out what happens next!!!
sooooo 18 months later here I am still on spark ready to start a new challenge and over weight again ..my self worth was/is gone.. after all I now have a second broken marriage(due to both exes being unfaithful)..I mean lets face it I must be a crap wife for them to go in the first place.........
moving ahead and much emotional eating later especially as sons health is not going well..and I am heading to England on the 16th September. Friends are paying to have me come over as a friend is dying of cancer so this is a goodbye as much as a spending quality time with them and respite time out for me. I am starting to get stressed as I have no nice cloths to take nothing that fits etc ..come on people you get the picture...then my mind kicks in.. of course you don't have anything here is why..
a.. your a failure in every way
b.. your fat
c.. your not worth the time or effort
d.. your weak and have no will power
e.. your a drama queen ...get the picture.
then my tattoo caught my eye ..the one I had done in November..the Celtic symbol for new beginnings and then I took control of the self talk
1.. I am not a failure...I am a 54 year old woman who has successfully mothered five amazing children through love,home education etc to become the amazing adults and parent (2 of them) that they are today.as well as a loving grand mother to my 4 grandchildren who all know I would lay down my life for them.
2.. I am fat but that is F..faithful A..available T..teachable
3..I am worth time and effort because I was fearfully and wonderfully mad in the image of God
4..I am not weak..I am strong and I have proved in more times than I can count the latest being that in the last 18 months I have stayed in a town knowing no one with a special needs son and made a GOOD life here for us and all of my friends and family that visit often. I do have will power as I have not smoked for over 25 years
5..I am not a drama queen..rather I have had a very stressful 18 months which I have come through with dignity and a few extra kilos..having to find a job,re-buy my home to pay out the ex and deal with all the medical stuff for my son on my OWN
Rather empowering when you stand against the negative and look at the truth of the situation.
outcome of this self rant
I have gone and bought two new outfits for my trip. I am worth it and I am allowed to look and feel nice. I am a good woman who is faithful,loyal and loving. I will do better for myself.
I will continue to do this new challenge and hopefully I will loose some weight as I do need to but no longer will I allow the scales and clothing size determine my self worth. The scales won't tell you that I am honest or that I am at the hospital with my hair not done because I had to race my son in for emergency surgery at 3am...the scales won't tell the boss that the dark circles under my eyes are from lack of sleep because my son has been having seizures all night... the size of my cloths will not disguise my smile that tells you that you are welcome anytime in my home.... but the scales can say enough..no more emotional eating and the holy spirit says turn to me its time to put the temple back in order
It is time..my self worth will be found in God as the daughter of the most high
it is time...my time..new beginnings... there is no such thing as failure rather I just was doing things wrong..now to do it right.